PopBitch

 
        >> The new People's Princess? << 
        Come on, make Gwyneth our Queen of Hearts 
 
    Gwyneth Paltrow gets a rough press. But it's 
    time we started looking beyond the ridiculous 
    life advice on her website, her A-list guide to 
    London and part-time film career to see she's 
    really been devoting her life to helping the 
    unfortunate. Even if the old Harvey 
    Weinstein-and-her-leg stories aren't to be 
    believed, remember this. She's been married to 
    Chris Martin for nearly six years. But as 
    Gwyneth spends more time in LA and the Coldplay 
    bed-wetter in London, we fear the growing chorus 
    of doomsayers in LA might be right, the omens 
    are not looking good for the marriage. So for 
    the good of us all, let's just swallow the 
    sarcasm and hysterical laughter and welcome 
    back Our Gwyneth. There's a vacancy for a new 
    People's Princess, and - let's face it - could 
    we really face a post-break up Coldplay album? 
 
 
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Pablo Escobar Jnr, son of the Colombian drug legend, 
is re-branding the family name with a reality TV 
show and a planned Escobar fashion label. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What some people are asking this week 
 
    Which controversial Hollywood superstar isn't 
    afraid to be seen in the company of plastic 
    surgeons but is said to be unhappy that his 
    Contour Thread Lift  (i.e. revolutionary, 
    subtle face lift procedure) hasn't delivered 
    quite the expected age-reduction? 
 
    Who's the Daddy? Which Hollywood heart-throb 
    with young kids spent most of January and 
    February photographed only wearing sunglasses? 
    The glasses are off and the eyelift is 
    looking good. 
 
  
------------------------------------------------------ 
Rock 'n roll's not dead... ? Open this issue of Mojo 
and watch a "15% off Homebase voucher" fall out. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Horse play << 
        Two British institutions, one day 
 
    Saturday is a momentous day in Britain. First 
    off we get Jade Goody's funeral  ("Jade's coffin 
    will be conveyed by a vintage Rolls hearse 
    followed by a cortege of four Daimler 
    limousines and a Bentley, Jade's favourite car") 
    and then we get the Grand National. The Sun 
    tried to buy up a horse running in the National, 
    Parson's Legacy, and change its name to Jade's 
    Legacy. Sadly for the bookies, and the money 
    they would have made on it, the authorities 
    nixed the idea. 
 
    Best bets on the day - we think -  are Darkness, 
    Irish Invader and, topically, Offshore Account. 
    Beckham fans might want to go for Brooklyn 
    Brownie. Choose a horse with longish odds 
    (look at 20-1 and above) and bet "each-way", 
    which means you'll win if the horse finishes 
    in the top five. Use this link and if you lose 
    this bet, Betfair will give you your money back 
    within 48 hours. 
http://adfarm.mediaplex.com/ad/ck/63494 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Guy Hands was at Lily Allen's recent gig. Despite 
being the only suited and booted-type in the room 
he celebrated her track "Fuck You" by making "V" 
signs in time with the music. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Snouts in the trough << 
        BBC versus MPs versus tabloids 
 
    As the BBC digs deeper into the MPs expenses row, 
    so they dig themselves a new hole. Tabloids 
    are busy looking into publishing more on why 
    the BBC itself doesn't disclose pay and perks. 
    A BBC insider tells us: 
 
    "The problem is there are are huge disparities 
    in pay between equivalent positions in different 
    departments, a result of a shambolic and 
    unco-ordinated negotiating structure. If that got 
    out, it would cost the BBC an absolute fortune 
    in compensating those getting by on a hundred 
    grand a year less than the person in the next 
    office. A far better story for any hacks out 
    there would be to investigate the power of 
    agents as executive producers. Leaving aside 
    the compliance smokescreen, there are agents 
    out there using the BBC to plug other talent 
    on their books and making a fortune out of it. 
    A cursory check of the number of guests 
    on Jonathan Ross' TV and radio shows managed 
    by his agent might be an interesting place to 
    start to see if it threw up anything interesting?" 
 
    
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RIP: Lorne, the karaoke loving demon from Angel. 
Actor Andy Hallett died this week, aged 33. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Double hander << 
        The most expensive tug in history? 
 
Dan, London writes: 
    "MPs collectively claim �93m in expenses, but 
    in the wake of Jaqui Smith�s husband being 
    caught having 2 off the wrist, MPs are debating 
    scrapping the second home allowance. That would 
    equate to overall expenses being reduced by a 
    third. So divide that by two porn films, 
    aka two wanks, it equates to 15.5m pounds 
    per hand party. That�s got to be one of the 
    most expensive in the history of rosie palmer 
    and her five sisters?" 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
A US study is claiming that the credit crunch is 
meaning a higher percentage of Americans than ever 
are demanding sleeping pills from their doctors. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Say sorry to a star << 
        Photographer makes overdue apology 
 
JE writes: 
    "I once was an assistant on a photo shoot where 
    the famous Vogue fashion editor Andre Leon Talley 
    was present.  I had a running joke at the time 
    with a friend who worked at Vogue that Talley 
    and editor Anna Wintour were vampires, so I 
    thought it would tickle my friend to see a photo 
    of me and Talley.  But how to get the photo? 
    Talley was an intimidating presence, a big guy, 
    and, while not exactly mean, held himself aloof 
    from the many lower level workers, myself 
    included, on the large scale shoot.  I decided 
    to completely lie and tell him I had a friend, 
    a young designer, who idolized him, and this 
    young designer had AIDS. I asked him if he would 
    consider having his picture taken with me because 
    it would mean so much to my friend. Talley made 
    the big name photographer personally take 
    polaroids of us and signed them to my 
    non-existent friend (Barry).  My REAL friend 
    did get a hoot out of it.  And now, many years 
    later, I apologize, Andre Leon Talley." 
 
 
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50 Cent does not write his own Twitter updates. Fiddy's 
business manager does. Rap stars keepin' it real etc. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Jazz is the old/new rock and roll << 
        Celebrity Parasites: the smack fluffer 
        
    The jazz great Don Cherry had a special nurse in 
    his dying days. He'd pretty much used up all his 
    available veins, so her job was to blow smack 
    up Don's arse through a blow pipe. She apparently 
    said it was one of the easiest jobs she'd ever had. 
        
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
An actor writes: "Laughed a lot at your tale from the 
extra the other day. There's an old joke in the 
tv/film trade "How do you kill an extra'? Answer: 
"Put a sandwich in the middle of the road". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> The fat of the land << 
        Who will replace Fern Britton? 
 
    Fern Britton leaving This Morning might not just 
    be down to her fury at being paid so much less 
    than co-host Philip Schofield. There's an issue 
    dating back to Gastric Band-gate involved. 
    ITV head honcho Peter Fincham invited both Brittan 
    and Schofield out to discuss it, but Schofield, 
    not unreasonably, demurred, saying it wasn't 
    really his problem. 
 
    And the longlist to replace Fern? Ruth Langsford 
    (Mrs Eammon Holmes), Emma Forbes (think Saturday 
    morning past TV), Carol Vorderman, Fiona Phillips, 
    Denis Welch, Carol Smillie, Zoe Ball, Nadia Sawalha 
    and Myleene Klass. Our money's on Fiona or Myleene. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic madam? 
A: She ran a warehouse. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> The Originals pt 4 << 
        Without You - the full story 
 
    Harry Nilssen's Without You is one of the most 
    famous, loved and copied songs in pop. Nilssen 
    had a largely sad life -  both Keith Moon and 
    Mama Cass died in his London flat, and he died 
    aged only 52 in 1994. Yet Nilssen didn't 
    write Without You, it started off as a Badfinger 
    album track, written by Pete Ham and Tom Evans. 
    Ham's story was on even sadder one. His quiet 
    personality didn't suit the music industry and 
    as Badfinger got embroiled in personal and 
    internal issues, Ham hung himself aged only 27. 
    He left a suicide note blaming the band's 
    business manager, Stan Polley, which ended 
    "P.S. Stan Polley is a soulless bastard. I 
    will take him with me." 
 

You know shan doom you are an astute and clever fellow , Yo u actually write more than i do about jade goody , and what a f---ck twit she was well is . such a sad world when you ask children what they want to be , well contray to the sixties and seventies not stoned but still a fireman a driver of a steam train oooh yes .
now i want to be JADE GOODY but what is was JADE goody famaous they reply but famous for what , their answer is NOTHING just famous. Sad ,Sad , sad world, afterthought hannah murray on her show expressed the same sad opinion famousfor nothing,

This weeks edition

       >> Lily has no fear << 
        LA paps get Allen's VIP tickets 
 
    Twitter is such a great way for celebrities to 
    keep in touch with their fans. Lily Allen, 
    master of new media tricks, tweeted clues 
    so fans could get free tickets to her gig 
    at the Wilton, LA, last week. Except, as 
    Lily Allen's LA fanbase is smallish, many 
    of those following her clues, and thereby 
    gaining front row VIP places, were paparazzi 
    who had not been allowed access to her show 
    but fancied earning themselves the chance to 
    get close and take some unflattering photos. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Q:What's the difference between Bob Quick and 
Joseph Fritzl? 
A: Fritzl remembered his binder. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> "Make some M-F noise, Wikipedia!" << 
        Love Island sex-pest to Loughton recruiter 
 
    Over the last month actor and Love Island 
    sex pest Paul Danan has been the subject of a 
    rather odd strain of internet bullying as 
    online vandals have hijacked his Wikipedia page. 
 
    False rumours and outright lies have been 
    appearing and disappearing since early March, 
    "Danan is the first person to be convicted of 
    raping himself", "...star of a new show ' 
    Dananagrams'"etc. He's currently listed as having 
    appeared in ITV2�s non-existent "Calum, Fran 
    and Dangerous Danan Go Spitroast Crazy".  
    Perhaps these bullies will show a little mercy when 
    they learn that this week Danan became an 
    ex-actor and has started work at a recruitment 
    agency in Loughton. Or maybe they won�t. 
 
See for yourself: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Danan 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Our favourite Dananagrams: Up And Anal and Panda Ulna. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What some people are asking this week 
 
    At last night's Dance Nation gig at MEN Arena, 
    attended by 10,000 ravers, which Ministry of Sound 
    marketing exec said of Swedish popstar Basshunter, 
    "It's absolutely amazing, he's like a modern 
    day Elvis" to stunned silence from his colleagues? 
 
    The daughter of which controversial 80s 
    footballer is doing her bit to 
    bridge the London soccer divide by getting 
    friendly with both Arsenal's Alex Song and 
    Chelsea's Michael Essien? Wonder who the 
    wannabe TV presenter will be supporting in 
    the FA Cup semi? 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Liam Gallagher's favourite film is Don't Mess With 
The Zohan. Or so we're told. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
         >> Jade's legacy  << 
         The Queen to minger 
 
    The racism row with Shilpa Shetty and her 
    subsequent cancer diagnosis live on Indian 
    Big Brother has made Jade Goody the most famous 
    Brit in India. Alas, it has caused consternation 
    to a nation brought up to think of England 
    and The Queen, period piece films, cricket 
    and bowler hats. Now they just assume that, in 
    reality, we're all like Jade. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
When Jordan flew back to LA, after her short break, 
she had to fill out the green customs declaration 
three times because she kept getting things wrong. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Love Stories  << 
        Danielle Lloyd -  the new Alan Clark? 
 
    Serial WAG Danielle Lloyd is getting her tell- 
    all book ready for the autumn. We understand 
    Danielle is ready to name names and give her 
    side to a number of stories. We're told there's 
    15 Premiership stars getting a little hot 
    under the collar about things she might 
    know about them. The Tottenham squad must be 
    among those eyeing each other up most nervously. 
    Ms Lloyd came to fame through her bunk-up with 
    Spurs legend Teddy Sheringham, went out with 
    Jermain Defoe, dated Alan Hutton and is now 
    "getting serious" with Jamie O' Hara. Rumours 
    that she had a relationship with Marcus Bent 
    because she thought he was the Spurs striker have 
    never gone away. Wonder what else she can tell us? 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Weezer's first gig was opening for Keanu Reeves' 
band Dogstar. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Scatman Charles << 
        Mingus trained his cat to flush 
      
    When jazz legend Charles Mingus died in 1979, 
    he left behind quite a legacy: nearly 70 
    albums as a bandleader, 30 albums as a 
    sideman, and one toilet training manual for 
    house cats. 
 
    Despite having one of the busiest careers in 
    jazz, and a love of spending time with prostitutes 
    (he claimed to have had 26 in one "sitting"), 
    Mingus somehow managed to find the time to figure 
    out how to train his cat, Nightlife, to use the pisser 
    like a person might. Not only that, but he also 
    found the time to write it all up as a 
    handy-to-use guide so that you too can save yourself 
    a small fortune in kitty litter. Our favourite bit?  
    When he assures us not to be alarmed if the cat 
    ever figures out how to use the flush. 
 
Toilet training manual here: 
http://www.mingusmingusmingus.com/Mingus/cat_training.html 
 
Photos/videos of your cat using the toilet to 
hello@popbitch.com 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Hello Belgium, we are Pet Shop Boys". PSBs are 
headlining Dour Festival this summer. (Popbitch 
sponsored a tent at Dour for two years so we know 
how brilliant it is.) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Popbits << 
        Stuff we're excited about right now 
 
    1. Crank 2: High Voltage 
    Baddies have stolen Jason Statham's heart and replaced 
    it with an electric one. He has to stay electrically 
    charged until he can find his old heart. Awesome! 
 
 
    2. Lady GarGoyle goes acoustic. The result? 
    Two things. Poker Face is, thankfully, not a song 
    meant to be played acoustically. And Lady G is 
    hiding some real talent under the bad wig and PR stunts. 
 
 
    3. BBC1's F1 coverage.  Jake Humphreys, Eddie Jordan 
    and David Coulthard are the best TV sports broadcast 
    team around. Unlike the BBC Grand National coverage. 
    Clare Balding should have been sacked for 
    humiliating winning jockey Liam Treadwell about his teeth. 
 
    4. In Treatment series 2 has an even more stellar 
    cast then series 1. Hope Davis and John Mahoney 
    (Marty Crane from Frasier) join Gabriel Byrne 
    and Dianne Wiest: 
 
 
    5. The V remake is on! NBC are hyping it up behind 
    the scenes as the show which will replace Lost. 
    Inara from Firefly is to star. 
 
    6. We totally missed 1968 TV series The Champions, 
    about a team of secret government agents who are rescued 
    from a Himalyan plane crash by an advanced civilisation 
    and given super powers. But we're not going to miss 
    the film of it, directed by Guillermo Del Toro and 
    written by Usual Suspects writer Christopher Macquarrie. 
 
 
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Babyshambles guitarist Mick Whitnall looking at second- 
hand records in Spitalfields market this week. Carrying 
a guitar and a bottle of San Miguel, he paid particular 
attention to The Specials then left without buying. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
       >> The Iceman Cometh, again << 
       Get ready for the Vanilla Ice revival 
 
Peteybabes writes: 
    "I think we're gonna have to contend with a 
    Vanilla Ice revival. I was at the V Festival, 
    where Virgin had brought him over as a joke 
    to publicise their hopelessly wrongheaded 
    campaign to get pop stars to apologise for 
    supposed crimes against music.  
 
    "The last laugh was against them. Vanilla Ice 
    was way more popular than the supposed headliners 
    The Killers. We couldn't even get anywhere near 
    the building let alone get inside. We looked 
    and we saw through a window a little of the 
    performance. When the bassline from Ice Ice Baby 
    came on, I have to admit, even though I've been 
    to many festivals over the years including most of 
    the Glastonburys of the 90's, I have never, 
    NEVER, seen a reaction quite like it." 
 
Watch: 
http://tr.youtube.com/watch?v=DuWuWaNNwbM&feature=related 
 
 
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Eoghan Quigg in spellcheck is Afghan Squiggle. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Star Trekkin' << 
        Going boldly forward, still can't find reverse 
		 
llanelliboy writes: 
    "Star Trek Premiere Report - The film is terribly 
    exciting. It's suitably different but comfortingly 
    familiar. Some of the cast are a bit wonky at 
    times but generally good, especially the chap from 
    Harold and Kumar, Simon Pegg, and Eric Bana. 
 
    "The after party was short but we managed to say 
    hello to most of them. Eric Bana and his wife are 
    very lovely. Spock (Sylar) was not as tall as I 
    imagined. Kirk was quite aloof but nice to those who 
    approached him. JJ Abrams was a ball of nervous 
    energy and was very pleased with the whole thing. 
    I would give it two thumbs up." 
      
 
***************************************************** 
The bigger they are... 
http://snipurl.com/fk010-4040 
***************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Bingo tetris, Ruby Walsh, anti-terrorism 
 
    Andorra are being represented at Eurovision 
    by one of these -  Me & My: the music of Aqua, 
    the style of Daphne and Celeste, and the 
    combined age of Vera Lynn. 
 
        
    Christy Moore's new song - the ballad of Ruby Walsh: 
 
 
    Remixes of the London police anti-terror-aka- 
    suspect-your-neighbours posters: 
http://www.boingboing.net/2009/03/26/remixes-of-the-paran.html#more 
 
    Bingo tetris -  a good way to waste 10 minutes at work: 
http:://www.bingobobble.com 
 
    Update to our piece on Without You last week. As 
    we said, writer Pete Ham committed suicide. But 
    we didn't mention that his co-writer, Tom Evans, 
    also killed himself. Marianne Evans, his wife, 
    was quoted in a documentary stating "Tommy said 
   'I want to be where Pete is. It's a better place 
    than down here'" 
 
    More Paul Danan: 
http://www.myspace.com/pauldanan 

April 17th issue

       >> Obummer << 
        Labour's smear scandal and the President 
 
    The News of the World landed the McBride- 
    Draper Tory smear email story so it was weird to 
    see on Sunday they didn't run with it on the 
    front page. Instead the tabloid had a 
    bizarre headline, "Obama's brother in sex quiz", 
    which sounds like something Jacqui Smith's 
    husband would watch on TV, but was in reality 
    a random story about Obama's half-brother being 
    refused a visa to enter Britain. 
 
    Even more weirdly, the story was not written 
    by a NOTW journalist but bylined Gloria De Piero, 
    GMTV's Political Editor. De Piero is a close 
    friend of Derek Draper, a colleague of his 
    wife Kate Garraway, and an ex-flatmate of Damien 
    McBride's then-boss Tom Watson. 
 
    So, surely a coincidence that this was the front page 
    story? Otherwise I guess we'd have to assume that 
    the uncalled for and unnecessary smearing of the 
    family and reputation of the world's most popular 
    politician is acceptable to the Labour Party now? 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Those "Kate Moss pregnant" rumours are going 
around again. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which young, up-and-coming and freshly engaged 
    Hollywood couple are already arguing - over 
    the terms of the contract they both signed to 
    stay together for at least one year while 
    rumours around his sex life die down, and 
    while her management try just one more time 
    to get her established as a movie rather 
    than a TV actress? 
 
 
*************************************************** 
Visit the new Ann Summers Pet Shop, for discount 
codes and everything you ever wanted to know about 
rabbits. And if you like the look of shop-keeper 
Roberto, you can win him - and an Ann Summers party 
 - to perform live at your house: 
http://www.annsummersrabbits.com/rabbit-pet-shop/ 
**************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Son of Spector << 
        Adopted son guns for murderer 
 
    Now Phil Spector has been convicted of murder, so 
    the cash-ins begin. The book we're looking forward 
    to is a tell-all memoir from Phil's adopted son, Louis. 
 
    Straight after the conviction, Louis' agent was 
    hawking the book proposal around. It has the 
    fabulous title, The Gingerbread House at 
    La Collina Drive: My life Caged Behind Phil 
    Spector's Wall Of Sound. Louis and twin brother 
    Gary were bought as a surprise Christmas present 
    for Phil's wife Ronnie when they were five. 
    Ronnie had been in rehab to dry out. The story goes 
    that Phil picked her up from the Sanitorium, drove 
    her to a playground and pointed out two small blond 
    children, and by the time they got home the boys 
    had been officially adopted and were waiting for 
    them. (This is around the time Spector used to 
    hide all Ronnie's shoes so she couldn't go out 
    but drive around with a mannequin in the passenger 
    seat she people wouldn't believe her claims of 
    being imprisoned in the house.) 
 
    Ronnie didn't want custody when she and Phil 
    separated so they stayed at La Collina, although 
    the boys have been estranged from Spector for a while. 
    Louis says one of his favourite films is Star Wars 
    "for the father and son revelation" and "Rain Man, for 
    the bond between brothers and the estrangement 
    between father and son." 
 
 
More: Louis 
http://www.myspace.com/424371915 
 
Brilliant biography of Spector: Tearing Down 
The Wall Of Sound: http://tinyurl.com/d4bcxd 
 
 
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President Assad of Syria's favourite band is ELO. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> The VATman's taken all my dough << 
        What's a few more billions between friends 
 
    The political gossip may be giving us a respite 
    from stories of impending economic doom, but 
    that won't last. We've been hearing from city 
    journalist sources that the next "black hole 
    in our finances" story to break involves a 
    long-term VAT fuck-up. A judge ruled last year 
    that some laws about how much VAT companies 
    could claim back between 1972 and 1997 were 
    unlawful. So banks, companies and everyone who 
    can have spent the last few months calculating 
    how much money they are owed by The Treasury, 
    No-one yet knows what the final figure will be. 
    Last year the FT suggested around 2bn. That's 
    hopeful. We hear its more like 4 or 5 billion. 
    So how will the Treasury pay? It's not got 
    any money. Looks like you and me then, again. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
This week's episode of Embarrassing Bodies featured a 
lady with a rather, er, large flappy vagina. The name 
of the consultant urogynaecologist who she was sent to 
see for further investigation? Dr Mark Slack. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Soft soaped << 
        Please can we all write for Eastenders?      
 
Mr X writes: 
    "I had lunch with a friend at Soho House. We got 
    to talking about the Soho House business, and 
    my friend mentioned he'd been to Babington House, 
    the Soho House outpost in Somerset, and that it 
    had been fantastic but expensive. For the duration 
    of his stay, and I think he said he'd been there 
    for three days, the entire Eastenders 
    scriptwriting team was also there, working on 
    their storylines." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Dananwatch: Paul's finding early morning starts 
a bit of a trial at the recruitment consultants, 
but he's hanging in there! 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Coping with the Met << 
        The Archdruid and the G20 
 
    Julian Cope is an unsung hero of the G20 
    protests. The archdruid came to London to 
    protest for the day, but soon fell foul of 
    the police. Cope was scheduled to meet 
    his friends at Liverpool St station, but 
    "through shear yokel paranoia" arrived 
    an hour early and caught the attention of 
    Riot PC Plod. Cope says he "was dressed 
    extremely dodgily, with my hair up in a 
    black wig and dressed in the kind of all- 
    purpose rural chic that couldn�t have been 
    further from my regular Rock God image(!). 
    The police, however, were so fucking paranoid 
    that they conducted a Stop & Search on me... 
    Of course, I declined to give my name and 
    address and, having no ID or cards on me, 
    they detained me." 
 
    Cope was most amused by the fact that the 
    police wrote him up as having short, 
    black hair, and didn't realise he was blond 
    and wearing a 99p wig. As he says, "So 
    much for the West�s so-called War on Terror. 
    What the fuck!"       
 
For the full story, in Julian Cope's own words: 
http://www.headheritage.co.uk/addressdrudion/119/2009/ 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Angel Cabrera became the first golfer to win the 
Masters using the controversial belly putter. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Nick Nick-ing the spotlight << 
        Jim Davidson out and about in Dubai 
 
Malibu writes: 
    "The highlight of the Dubai World Cup, the UAE's 
    answer to Ascot and the biggest event of the 
    Emirates social calendar, was to see Dubai's most 
    famous bankrupt/tax dodger Jim Davidson swanning 
    around on his own all afternoon asking to join 
    anyone's table that would have him. And then, 
    having "entertained" them, moving on to the 
    next table of people that would allow him a 
    space. One might speculate that he was trying 
    to 'nick nick' the spotlight...but not really 
    suceeding." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Courtney Love is being sued for libel and breach of 
contract by a designer from online store Etsy. They'll 
miss her business - Love has bought 170 hats there. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> RIP Flustered Mincer << 
        Popbitch readers remember Sir Clement 
 
    RIP Sir Clement Freud... as a nation collectively 
    sighs, "Why couldn't it have been Matthew?" 
    Sir Clement made two unlikely appearances in 
    Popbitch over the years. He was once spotted 
    by a Popbitch editor at a Sonic Youth gig at 
    the Roundhouse. And he once tried it on 
    with a reader's wife at a glossy fund-raising 
    dinner. Sir Clement suggested that he call 
    on the lovely lady at home later, bringing 
    with him a vintage port. The lady was in 
    her mid 30s, Sir Clement somewhat over 70. 
    
FYI: An anagram of Sir Clement Freud 
is Flustered Mincer. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Octomom, Nadia Suleman, has just seen her 8th baby 
leave hospital. She's filed to trademark the name Octomom. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> 19 and out << 
        Formula one escapes Fuller's clutches 
 
    We were pleased that the winning F1 cars can 
    keep their points this season. It's so 
    refeshing to see and hear sportsman, like Jenson 
    Button and Sebastien Vettel, showing that they 
    realise they have some of the best jobs in the 
    world. The downbeat dissembling and lack of joy 
    of Lewis Hamilton, and seeming disinterest of 
    Kimi Raikkonen has quickly become boring. 
 
    Brawn's rebirth from the ashes of Honda has been 
    amazing. Remember back in 2007 Simon Fuller 
    stepped in to get F1 "on the tip of everyone's 
    tongue". No? Under the leadership of 19 
    Entertainment, Honda was landed with the "Earth 
    Dreams concept" - a ridiculously glitzy launch 
    at Natural History museum and "green awards" but few 
    sponsors who wanted to be associated. 21 months 
    later Honda left Formula 1. 19 Entertainment 
    were already long gone. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Ken Loach is rumoured to be giving a special preview 
screening of Looking For Eric at his beloved 
Twerton Park, home of Bath City FC. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> "Your MP, Nadine Dorries is a muppet" << 
        Impossible not to share sentiments of blog 
 
    Nadine Dorries was one of the Tory MPs caught up 
    in the Red Rag email smears. While we hesitate 
    to kick someone when they're down, we were 
    a little dismayed at the quote she put out 
    to rebut the smears. "The e-mail accusations 
    regarding myself are 100% not true. They are 
    slanderous and therefore libellous." Um, we'd 
    hope that our MPs would know that slander and 
    libel are two entirely different things. The 
    e-mails are, if untrue, are libellous but not 
    slanderous. But then, the internet seems to 
    have numerous stories suggesting that Dorries 
    may not be quite the sharpest tool in the box. 
    She recently got in a tizzy with Ben Goldacre after 
    he pointed out she was disseminating a hoary old 
    internet hoax as if it was true. This fabulously 
    titled blog post has the story: "People of 
    Mid Bedfordshire, your MP, Nadine Dorries is a muppet". 
 
More: 
http://www.bloggerheads.com/archives/2008/03/people_of_mid_b.asp 
 
 
***************************************************** 
It's Dub Thursday! The sun is shining, listen 
to Dub Syndicate's 1989 classic Night Train, here: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/the-big-chill-15-x-15 
***************************************************** 
 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Muff diving, Goldman Sachs, Solange 
 
    Want to re-paint a classic album? 
 http://www.paintmyalbum.net    
 
    Popbitch's favourite Irish scuba diving club: 
http://www.muffdivingclub.ie 
 
    Goldman Sachs have been trying to get this 
    forum site shut down. Read and support it: 
http://www.goldmansachs666.com/ 
 
    A survey of teenagers has found 100% will buy 
    one of Apple's music players in the next year 
    and 0% plan to buy a Zune: 
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/04/10/teens_zune_ipod/ 
 
    You can listen to John Gaunt every morning now, 
    on SunTalk. You probably have a number of things 
    you've always wanted to say to Gaunty - and 
    now here's your chance: 
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sun_talk/article2331293.ece 
 
    What's the difference between Cindy Crawford's son 
    and Cindy Crawford's daughter? 
http://tinyurl.com/cd8xyj 
 
    Where's al-qaeda when you need them? 
http://www.theopenpress.com/index.php?a=press&id=48378 
 
    Solange Knowles might be an annoying, personality- 
    free diva but she does a lovely slice of shimmery, 
    summery soulful disco: 
 

1st of May offering

************************************************* 
Get a .tel domain name - Madonna, Britney Spears, 
Billy Joel and Brad Pitt are among the stars that 
have one registered in their name. And it's not 
just celebrities who can register these new names 
- you can. Find out everything about it here: 
http://tinyurl.com/cunvpw 
************************************************* 
 
"If it was Monkey Wank Fever going around, rather 
than swine flu, I think the national mood would 
be a lot more buoyant." - Graham Linehan 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  30.04.09 ISSUE 445 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Kleerup - On My Own Again - Awesome 
* Brazilian footballers and the sex webcam 
* Charts: Tinchy Stryder is number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Tyne and wit  << 
        Latest Messiah hits the buffers 
           
    Our favourite saying of the week comes 
    from Newcastle: 
 
    Alan Shearer - Britain's worst caretaker 
    since Ian Huntley. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Glenn Hoddle was at a Kenny G concert at the Royal 
Albert Hall on Monday. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Blythe Hall, in Lancashire, is the subject 
    of fevered speculation amongst neighbours 
    that it is about to be inhabited by north- 
    west football aristocracy. Builders on the 
    site have been gossiping that a big star 
    is preparing to move in (they're currently 
    seeing whether they can convert the stables 
    to a "guest suite" for the star's in-laws). 
  
    Which magazine's web editor is currently 
    emailing round everyone he knows at PR agencies 
    as his flat got burgled this week? In exchange 
    for replacing his (no doubt free in the first 
    place) Xbox/Macbook/iPod etc, you will 
    be rewarded with prominent coverage in the 
    mag and on the site of "pretty much anything 
    you want". 
 
    Which radio presenter has been investigated 
    for allegedly photographing naked men at 
    his local gym? 
 
 
************************************************* 
Play plant bingo online. Honda has a webcam 
pointing at 24 real plants. Choose five, if they 
bloom first, win �5,000 for an eco-friendly 
holiday and �5,000 for charity of your choice: 
http://tiny.cc/U4awU 
************************************************* 
 
  
        >> Blame it on Rio << 
        Move over Cynthia Plastercaster 
 
    Back in the 70s and 80s an American groupie 
    documented the sexual organs of the famous 
    through plastercasting their genitals. Now in 
    the internet age we have an anonymous blogger 
    in Brazil doing much the same. She' claims 
    to have persuaded celebrities -  some actors, 
    models and a lot of footballers, to strip off 
    on a webcam for posterity. The results are 
    recorded on the net. 
 
    If the videos are for real there's a chance 
    to see quite a bit of Elano, Ronaldinho and 
    AC Milan's Alexander Pato. Ronaldo contributes 
    a slightly creepy two minutes of film staring 
    blankly into the webcam. And we've now seen more 
    of Brazil's ex-manager Wanderlei Luxemburgo 
    than we ever wanted. 
 
Look, at your (NSFW) peril: 
http://glossx.blogspot.com/?zx=64d71bac0c5e494e 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Billie Piper has been filming Diary Of A Call Girl on 
Westbourne Grove. We're told "she has a face like an 
orange satellite dish and a red bow on her head 
- much like a Quality Street". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
  
 
        >> One My Own Again << 
        Single of the year so far 
   
    On one of the occasions this week when our 
    BT broadband wasn't working we whiled away the 
    time by writing a letter to Jimmy Savile. 
   
    "Dear Jim, if you were to put ELO, The Buggles 
    and Dollar through a mincer, what would the 
    result sound like?" 
 
    And lo, we got the answer. It's Kleerup's On 
    My Own Again. The sweetest pop track of the 
    year so far. Andreas Kleerup is the nice Swedish 
    producer behind Robyn's With Every Heartbeat. And 
    on 1st June he brings out his own album. This 
    single is so perfect for Summer listening 
    that we managed to get 10,000 free downloads 
    to give you. 
 
Listen and sign up here: 
http://kleerup.net/popbitch-free-download 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Eddie Izzard performed a gig this week at the teeny 
Pleasance Theatre. He was very funny but "seems to be 
looking more and more like Kenneth Branagh". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
  
        >> Sounds of the Overgrounds << 
        Cheryl Cole gets stuck on a huge column 
 
Hypnogimp writes: 
    "Mrs. Hypnogimp was in attendance at Girls 
    Aloud's O2 gig. The opener was ment to be the 
    five checkout girls appearing out of the floor 
    and being raised aloft on huge columns (insert 
    pun here). Alas Mrs. Cole's column didn't work and 
    she was left peeking out across the stage at 
    eyebrow height." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Rolf Harris presenting an episode on the next 
Have I Got News For You. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Nasty Nick bites back << 
        BB star sees a way to recapture his nasty throne 
   
    You can't keep a good self-publicist down. 
    Nasty Nick was the first break-out star of Big 
    Brother. But as time went on the panto roles 
    and parties dried up. He was replaced by 
    fresher faces like, say, Jade Goody. It wouldn't 
    be too much of a stretch to think Nick might have 
    been a little miffed at her emergence... 
 
    Writing on his Facebook page Nasty Nick wrote, 
    "Nick Batemen is delighted that Jade has finally 
    copped it". He also suggested that Jade's 
    commemoration statue should be a trough. When his 
    sister got in touch with him to suggest he 
    might think about reconsidering his comments, 
    he removed her from his Facebook friends. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
15% of Grand Prix drivers in 2009 are called Sebastian. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Call of the Wild << 
        How bonobos describe their food 
   
    Penis fencing, lesbian frotting, constant 
    shagging - the life of the Bonobo is pretty cool. 
    Now scientists think that the apes have learned 
    to talk to each about their food. Bonobos rate 
    their food using at least five sounds, similar 
    to humans' "yum" and "eewww". 
 
    At San Diego zoo, the bonobos rate figs most 
    highly, with raisins a close seond. Then grapes, 
    bananas, popcorn, apples, oranges, biscuits, 
    celery, melon, lettuce and last of all 
    yams and peppers. 
 
    When presented with their favorite foods, the 
    bonobos almost always barked. They grunted when 
    encountering their least liked: 
 
More: 
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2009/04/17/bonobo-food-language.html 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The V&A museum sent out emails this week inviting 
people to celebrate their new Baroque exhibition by 
entering their competition to win...a trip to Mexico.  
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Eurobits << 
        Useful things to know about Eurovision 
    
    With less than three weeks to go until this 
    year's Eurovision, here's some facts to 
    help predict this year's winner: 
 
    * Only once since 1999 has the winning 
    song NOT been sung in English. 
    (Serbia 2007) 
 
    * The last five winners have been heavily 
    fancied - here's more footage of this year's 
    hot favourite: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/popbets 
 
    * 2000 to 2003 saw a series of less-fancied 
    winners. 2000 winner Fly On The Wings Of 
    Love by the Olsen Brothers is one of the 
    most successful Eurovision tracks ever. 
    Covered by XTM, it had 8 weeks in the UK top 10. 
 
    * 2001 winner Estonia is the only time a black 
    artist has won Eurovision. Dave Benton 
    was originally from Aruba. 
 
    * Volare is the most successful Eurovision song. 
    It only came 3rd, and then went on to be the 
    only song sung in Italian to top the US Billboard 100. 
 
Odds and a 25 quid free no loss bet here: 
http://promo.betfair.com/popbitch/ 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 
24 American states. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
        >> Meet Queen Elizabeth << 
        Manny Pacquiao is the new George Foreman 
 
    Manny Pacquiao fights Ricky Hatton in Las Vegas 
    on Saturday. One good thing to know about Manny 
    is that he called his daughter Queen Elizabeth. 
 
    Queen Elizabeth or "Queenie" was baptised in 
    February in front of more than 1000 guests. And 
    she has 48 Godparents. 
 
See the baptism invitation -  Mrs Pacquiao seems to 
be called Queen Jinkie: 
http://tinyurl.com/bfnpoa 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Pete Doherty did a small gig in Brussels last weekend. 
"He arrived on time and was rather polite although he 
stank of alcohol. He sang well but he can't play 
the guitar for toffee." 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> "Ass, have you ever met elbow?" << 
        Welcome to the world of intelligence 
 
    Reasons why we might not quite have total 
    confidence in the world's intelligence 
    agencies over the "War on Terror" -  pt 23 
 
    * Pakistan's president said Monday his 
    intelligence agencies believe Osama bin Laden 
    may be dead, but he added there is no proof. 
 
    * "We continue to believe that bin Laden is 
    alive," said the U.S. intelligence official, 
    who declined to be named because he was not 
    authorised to discuss the matter on the record. 
 
 
*************************************************** 
Want to find out what Mr Scruff chose for the 
new Big Chill 15 x 15 album? It's a good'un: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/the-big-chill-15-x-15/ 
**************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Pigs, Stephen Colbert, Mumbai sex tips 
 
    How swine flu affects Pooh Bear: 
 
 
    Britain's got swine flu 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/ 
 
    Are you a dirty pig: 
http://www.dirtypig.org/piggyup.aspx 
 
    The Irony Of Satire: The Ohio State University 
    study which shows that conservatives think 
    that Stephen Colbert is for real: 
http://hij.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/14/2/212 
       
    The history of the Hummer: 
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2008/12/05/hummer/ 
 
    Mumbai sex tips: 
http://tinyurl.com/cuh5pe 
 
    The best local newspaper headline of the week: 
http://tinyurl.com/cbtobk 
 
    Fat + salt + sugar alter brain chemistry and make 
    you want to eat junk food: 
http://tinyurl.com/dddebb 
 
    Celebrate 30 years of 2-tone: 
http://www.play.com/Music/CD/4-/9388312/Ska-Mania/Product.html 
 
    The best cashmere football scarves in the world: 
http://tinyurl.com/de45s7 

This weeks issue with
Sebastien Vettel, Prince Charles and Emmanuel Adebayor

************************************************* 
35 years ago this month, Abba won Eurovision 
with Waterloo. Next Thursday, 14th, Leicester Sq, 
celebrate this momentous occasion by rounding 
up your friends, dressing up as Abba and 
joining the attempt to set the record for The 
Largest Amount of Assembled ABBA Impersonators 
to Sing At One Time. (50 Abbas are needed). 
http://go.popbit.ch/60 
************************************************* 
 
"If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. 
I would be with my mother now, if she weren't 
my mother, as sick as that sounds." ��� Shia LaBeouf 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  07.05.09 ISSUE 446 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Ghostface Killah gig - rubbish 
* Eurovision Deep Throat - first report 
* Charts: Tinchy Stryder is number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Kiss and Vettel << 
        Seb talks about his pole position 
           
    Sebastien Vettel is this year's breakout 
    star of F1. Younger than Lewis Hamilton, 
    and widely liked across the sport, the 21 
    year-old is not your run-of-the-mill 
    media trained automaton. 
    
    After his first F1 win last year in Italy, 
    a journalist said to him, "This must be the 
    best day of your life?" 
 
    Vettel's reply? "You obviously weren���t there 
    when I lost my virginity." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
P Diddy's email signature - "God Bless / Diddy / 
God is the Greatest". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which fashion designer was caught doing a Winona 
    at the London Marc Jacobs store? She had to be 
    called up and ordered to return the stock 
    to keep it all hush-hush. 
 
    Which married female singer is enjoying some 
    extra-marital fun with her security guard? 
    
 
 
************************************************* 
Win one of twenty HTC Magic��� phones from Vodafone. 
It���s a nationwide twitter hunt! Follow @vodafoneUK 
today by visiting: http://go.popbit.ch/59 
************************************************* 
 
  
        >> Celebrity Parasites << 
        The Royal cushion-holder 
 
    It's not just Hollywood stars who have a 
    monopoly on ridiculous entourages. Prince Charles 
    was seen this week with a very special 
    flunky. The flunky's job seemed to be to 
    carry a tartan cushion after the Prince, just 
    in case the royal arse is uncomfortable on 
    the chair provided for him at his 
    official engagement. 
    
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
According to someone who got close enough to check, 
Margaret Thatcher's hands are almost see-through. 
You can see the blood moving in her veins. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> More Mika << 
        Dark fairy tales set to music 
        
    It was almost three years ago that we first heard 
    Grace Kelly and went ga-ga over Mika. Well, 
    the same thing is happening all over again. 
    Mika's finished making his second album 
    and we've been lucky enough to hear some of 
    it. And again, the first single will just 
    blow you away - brilliant stadium pop with 
    a chorus so catchy it just lodges in your 
    head. Sadly, the album's not out for months 
    yet but in the meantime we can tell you 
    that Mika is releasing a very special e.p. 
    on 25th May. Songs of Sorrow is a collection 
    of four acoustic tracks, made with Owen Pallett 
    of Final Fantasy. The cd will be accompanied 
    by a beautiful book, in which some of Mika's 
    favourite artists and designers have created 
    artworks based on the songs, including Peter 
    Blake, David Mackie (Mr Benn) and Huck Scarry. 
    
More info and listen to tracks here; 
http://www.mikasounds.com 
 
    
------------------------------------------------------ 
How do you know if you're really talking to Lady Gaga? 
You poke 'er face. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
  
        >> Celebrity BS << 
        Dan Wootton - the new Joe Mott 
           
    Making a bid to be everyone's favourite showbiz 
    columnist is News of The World's Dan Wootton. 
    While most gain our affection and respect for 
    the amount of work which obviously goes into 
    shoehorning yourself into a photograph with 
    any passing celebrity, Dan's gone one better. He 
    thought it would be a good idea to record a 
    theme tune for his column. And here it is: 
    
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/xs/287789/Go-Dan.html 
    
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite Bolivian politician -  
Minister for Energy Oscar Coca. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
        >> Bulletproof wallets << 
        Ghostface Killah tries to flog t-shirts 
           
spank_daley writes: 
    "Ghostface Killah at Scala last night took cheap, 
    shoddy couldn't give a fuck rap concerts somewhere 
    I haven't quite seen before. Having started late 
    and presented a notably short set comprising 
    mainly of snippets of tracks cut short by gunshot 
    sound effects, the show came to an abrupt end. 
    After a lengthy and indulgent "Get the bitches 
    on stage" segment where he and his boys got 
    their dicks rubbed by fat birds' arses, the music 
    stopped and Ghostface turned all Del Boy 
    hawking t-shirts to the bemusement of the crowd 
    who were invited to get on stage to buy a t-shirt 
    for twenty pounds while the backing rappers and 
    DJ grabbed a stack of merchandise from behind 
    the decks and started flogging those at the front 
    of the stage. The audience started booing once 
    they realised this was actually it. The response 
    was a mocking "fuck y'all" followed by an 
    announcement that any motherfucker on stage who 
    ain't gonna pay 20 pounds for a T shirt or some 
    shit can get the fuck off and stop fucking 
    crowding me. Still, I suppose at least he turned 
    up for this one. Ironically he didn't perform 
    Greedy Bitches." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Ghostface Killah's real name is Dennis Coles. 
He'll be 39 on Saturday. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Emmanuel Adebayover << 
        Arsenal striker has car trouble 
           
    Emmanuel Adebayor may not be winning the 
    Arsenal fans player of the year award. 
    He parked his car outside a North London 
    pub popular with the club's fans last 
    week and came back to find it in something 
    of a slightly less-good state when he returned. 
    Drinkers at The Bailey had amused themselves 
    by making some slight changes to the paintwork 
    as a thank-you for the effort he's been 
    putting in on the pitch recently. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The muscle which determines whether or not you can 
touch your toes is called the Popliteus - literally 
"the unlocker of the knee". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Eurobits << 
        Useful Eurovision tips 
 
    Bosnia and Herzigova is emerging as the most likely 
    challenger to Norway for this year's Eurovision 
    crown. Turkey and Greece are looking slick and 
    Ukraine's stage set just has to be seen to be 
    believed. It's hard to think that the winner 
    will come from outside this group, but with 
    the new system of part popular vote, part 
    semi-officially sanctioned corruption, sorry, 
    national jury selections, it's difficult to 
    know what the effect will be. 
   
    But never mind the contest, who's been doing 
    what in Moscow so far? The Slovak duo are 
    barely on speaking terms and the Israeli duo (half 
    Jewish, half Arab) have yet to be seen together. 
    Much more fun is Belgium's Elvis impersonator 
    Patrick Ouch��ne, who plays in a rockabilly outfit 
    called Runnin��� Wild, has a tattoo of Hank Williams 
    over his heart, and whose battle-scarred face looks 
    like it's been involved in at least one fight 
    in the last couple of days. But this year's 
    contestants are no match for last year's Eurovision 
    winner Dima Bilan. Festivities kicked off with 
    a club night of past Russian Eurovision performers. 
    Dima turned up fashionably late, twitched his 
    way through his headline set, then stayed to 
    party. As one fan there reported "I don't know 
    what he's taking, but I don't want any of it." 
     
 
    
To see the first rehearsals: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/popbets 
 
Follow Eurovision Deep Throat from Moscow every day: 
http://www.popbitch.com 
  
For odds: http://go.popbit.ch/61 
 
   
------------------------------------------------------ 
George Galloway spotted outside Match bar on 
Clerkenwell Rd, eating a large portion of Banoffee pie. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Jimmy Pursey, Kelly McGillis, amino pop 
 
    iPhone gak app: 
http://tinyurl.com/d3j7bz 
 
    Calling all little people - want a night out in 
    Liverpool dressed as a baby? 
http://liverpool.gumtree.com/liverpool/85/38285185.html 
 
    Kelly McGillis "done with the man thing": 
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20275794,00.html?cnn=yes 
 
    Unusual Ting Tings cover, "That's not my 
    name, innit": 
http://www.oldhamasian.com 
 
    Someone has translated the amino acids in swine flu 
    into a piece of music: 
http://stephan-zielinski.com/ 
 
    Jimmy Pursey, avant garde dancer: 
 
 
    Egyptian swine flu pop: 
http://www.adnkronos.com/AKI/English/CultureAndMedia/?id=3.0.3264322420 
 
    Want to go to a scat party in Sydney on Saturday? 
http://gay-bash.com/ 
 
 
        >> UK Top 40 << 
        We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
TINCHY STRYDER ft N DUBZ Number 1 
 
++ Top Forty 
MILEY CYRUS Hoedown Throwdown 
TOMMY SPARKS She's Got Me Dancing 
SOULJA BOY Kiss Me Thru The Phone 
 
 
 
**************************************************** 
Thanks to: CL, LT, G, JH, PR, GA, TL, CM, 'rockit99' 
onthehushhush, the abominablehoman, RM, paul, 
gossipgal, 
***************************************************** 
 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
Last night my wife said she wanted a rape alarm, 
so at 5.30 this morning I put tape over her mouth, 
held her down, fucked her in the arse and 
whispered: "Time to get up, Honey!" 
 
 
Still Bored: 
Watch Wolverine drumming: 
 

This weeks edition of PoPBitch

************************************************* 
Tonight, Leicester Sq, 6.30pm. This is YOUR 
moment to be Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha or Anni-Frid. 
Help set the record for most ABBA impersonators 
in one place at one time. Just turn up, with or 
without your Abba costume, and join in: 
http://go.popbit.ch/60 
************************************************* 
 
"I feel like I'm at such a place that I own 
myself, and it's authentic." - Jessica Simpson 
 
"I still sometimes get upgraded in hotels 
because someone used to like me back 
in the day" - Rick Astley 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  14.05.09 ISSUE 447 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Kenneth Clarke: Two Lunches 
* The mystery of the Kate Middleton launch 
* Charts: Tinchy Stryder is still number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Rising star of receipts  << 
        Revealed: the MP with quick wit 
    
    The daily drip-feed of MPs expense claims 
    reminded us of an old BBC legend which 
    did the rounds when Michael Gove was a 
    promising journalist rather than a Tory 
    rising star. 
 
    One day Gove's boss is said to have told him 
    he wanted a chat about his expenses. The boss 
    assured Gove he was not casting aspersions 
    on anything, but was merely curious... 
    perhaps he'd dated something wrongly. One 
    of the receipts was for lunch with Ken Clarke. 
    Gove's boss said he thought that was very 
    interesting, as on the day of this lunch, he 
    himself had lunch with Ken Clarke. 
 
    Without missing a beat quick-witted Gove 
    looked up and replied, "The greedy 
    bastard... two lunches!"     
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite avian specialist? Based at the 
Department of Zoology at Cambridge University, 
it's Mr Bird.  
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Party In Waiting << 
        Snooty hangout snubs Middleton nemesis 
 
    Kate Middleton has just scored another 
    unauthorised biography, Princess In Waiting. 
    Author Claudia Joseph found her way obstructed 
    wherever possible by those close to the Royals, 
    but the book was published and a launch party 
    was scheduled last week for Raffles, on the 
    King's Road.  The morning of the party the 
    club rang up to say the launch couldn't go 
    ahead because of a "burst water pipe". 
    Claudia must have been surprised to find 
    pictures in the paper the next day of some 
    Chelsea players drowning their sorrows after 
    the defeat by Barcelona in... a perfectly dry 
    looking Raffles. 
    
    
------------------------------------------------------ 
Dead pop genius Falco has a street named after him in 
his hometown, Vienna, from 5th June. Falcogasse, or 
Falco Lane is near where his mother used to live. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What football fans are asking this week 
 
    Which Premiership would-be wonder kid has 
    been out for months with a mystery injury 
    but still seems to be enjoying his local 
    clubs and VIP bars on an almost nightly basis? 
    (And no, it's not Tomas Rosicky) 
 
    Which premiership superstar's real-life 
    racist, misogynist rantings are starting 
    to annoy so many people it's going to 
    be hard for even him to keep them under wraps? 
 
 
************************************************* 
Win one of twenty HTC Magic phones from Vodafone. 
It's a nationwide twitter hunt! Follow @vodafoneUK 
today by visiting: http://go.popbit.ch/59 
************************************************* 
 
 
      >> EasyCar << 
      Brawn go beer and sandwiches 
 
    While Ferrari throw their toys out of their 
    high-end pram about the proposed F1 budget cap, 
    the Brawn team prove they're comfortable 
    with a no-frills world. 
 
    After winning the Spanish Grand Prix last 
    weekend, the team - including Ross Brawn - 
    celebrated their win in Barcelona Airport, with 
    copious cans of Estrella beer and sandwiches, 
    before boarding the EasyJet flight back to UK. 
 
(FYI: Ross Brawn's sandwich of choice - 
cheese and pickle.) 
       
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Danny Boyle spotted mooching around the homeware 
section of John Lewis. "It looked like he was 
weighing up the pros and cons of a metal drainer". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> All About Eurovision << 
        What to look out for on Saturday 
 
    Eurovision is almost upon us again. We've 
    detailed everything you need to know on 
    popbitch.com, but here's your crib sheet 
    for Saturday. And we're offering a free 
    25 quid bet through betfair (if you don't 
    win they repay you) so it's a great time 
    to put your money where your music skills are: 
 
    1. This is not Andrew Lloyd-Webber's first 
    Eurovision attempt. 42 years ago he and 
    erstwhile collaborator Tim Rice put forward 
    Try It And See to represent the UK in 1967. 
    We decided to go with �Puppet On A String� 
    instead. It won. 
 
    2. Denmark's Ronan Keating sound-a-like is 
    singing a track written by... Ronan Keating. 
 
    3. The unluckiest place to be drawn in the 
    final is seven. This year it's heavily fancied 
    Iceland. The luckiest is 16. One of tonight's 
    finalists will get this. 
 
    4. Norway and Greece are the two front- 
    runners and worth watching. Greece's 
    stageshow brings Mykonos' top nightclubs 
    right into your living room. And he 
    used to be a pole-vaulter. 
 
    5. If you don't fancy the low odds of the 
    two favourites our top tips are Bosnia and 
    Turkey. Ukraine are definitely a threat: 
    the song is painful but the semi-nude 
    gay dancers in huge Clockwork Orange style 
    metal wheels set is fabulous. Romania are 
    worthy a cheeky punt as top four or top ten. 
 
    6. France is unlikely to win but make sure 
    you watch Patricia Kaas as she's just fantastic. 
 
    7. If horror acts are more your style, 
    you want Finland, Portugal and Holland, 
    if they make it though the semis. 
    You know how Children In Need do those 
    awful newsreaders-become-popstars skits 
    every year?  It looks like The Netherlands 
    have taken it one step further and entered 
    theirs for Eurovision. 
 
    8. The stereotype of the cheesy Eurovision 
    Song is totally wrong. Winning songs are 
    statistically more likely to be minor key, 
    have no key change and written by the performer. 
 
Claim your free 25 quid bet: 
http://adfarm.mediaplex.com/ad/ck/6730-49511-18729-6 
 
Everything you ever wanted to know about 
Eurovision.. and more: 
http://tinyurl.com/pfz7hu 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Best "fact" we heard this week: People with Down's 
Syndrome have a particular liking for Abba... (Anyone 
know any more about this? Email hello@popbitch.com) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Doing a Winehouse << 
        PR 101: How to get into the papers 
 
    Poor old Amy. She's out of the country, 
    injuncting photographers to stay away from 
    her, a million years away from being ready 
    to release a new album, but she still can't 
    stay out of the papers. As every PR knows, 
    Doing A Winehouse guarantees coverage: 
 
    1. Take one D-lister with autobiography 
    to sell - Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace. 
 
    2. Say something totally random that involves 
    Amy Winehouse: 
    "Big Brother 7 star Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace 
    has claimed that Amy Winehouse is 'misunderstood'." 
 
    3. Er... that's it! 
    You get a story in The Sun and headline on 
    every celebrity news site on the internet. 
 
 
**************************************************** 
Schweppes show you the best way to get a seat 
on the tube: 
http://tinyurl.com/p8z7qs 
**************************************************** 
 
       
 
        >> Charlie's Angel << 
        Farrah Fawcett faced cancer the hard way 
 
    In our rush to canonise Jade Goody for sharing 
    her death with us - "It is all for her children, 
    you know" - we might not have considered the 
    knock-on effect to other people unfortunate 
    enough to become seriously ill while famous. 
    Look at what Farrah Fawcett has had to say: 
 
    * "It's much easier to go through something and 
    deal with it without being under a microscope". 
 
    * She was deprived of the choice that most 
    other cancer patients have: when, and even 
    whether, to share information with family, 
    friends or strangers. 
   
    * Put under pressure by the hospital treating 
    her to set up a cancer foundation in her name. 
 
    * A National Enquirer article headlined 
    "Farrah Begs: 'Let Me Die'" promoted a flurry 
    of letters from cancer patients telling her 
    not to give up as she was a role model - 
    but it was untrue. 
 
    After reading this, and thinking about what 
    it must have been like for Patrick Swayze to 
    read those "Five weeks to live" headlines 
    14 months ago, perhaps we should re-think 
    whether the day-by-day account of terminal 
    illness should be public property, just 
    because they are celebrities? 
 
The article: 
http://tinyurl.com/oylnwr 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The credit crunch is even hitting the world of polo. 
Smyle have pulled out from hosting the players 
party for this years Cartier. Shame. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
 
        >> Say sorry to a star << 
        Apologies, Professor McGonagall 
 
Will writes: 
    "Maggie Smith, in 1989 you came to the Redgrave 
    Theatre in Farnham, Surrey, for a garden party 
    fundraiser which included giving autographs. 
    I was nine at the time and had no idea who you 
    were, and had never seen a woman wearing such a 
    low cut top. As you asked me "And what's your 
    name sweetie?"  all I could do was stare at 
    your tits. I just worked out that you would have 
    been 55 at the time. I'm sorry. I'm pretty 
    sure the fact that I'm gay now is not connected 
    with this event." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Parlez-vous Popbitch? Hangover = Wine flu. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Popbits << 
        May's songs to make your heart sing 
 
    1. Proper noisy, banging dance 
    Dizzee Rascal and Armand Van Heldon: Bonkers 
 
 
    2. Crunching, catchy synth-pop 
    Super, exclusive, new track by Dragonette! 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/05/14/dragonette 
 
    3. ELO-like summer loveliness 
    Kleerup: download it for free 
http://kleerup.net/popbitch-free-download 
 
    4. Swedish pop strikes again! 
    Erik Hassle - Hurtful: 
 
 
    5. Don't forget you can pre-order 
    Mika's new E.P: 
http://www.mikasounds.com 
 
    6. As if the noughties never happened: 
    Switzerland's Eurovision failures Lovebug 
    resurrect anthemic Perfecto style dance-rock: 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
I just heard the Pope was in Jordan yesterday� 
Didn't take her long, did it? Boom-boom. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Done and Dusted << 
        Katie and Peter: we just don't care 
 
    Peter and Katie, are they splitting up for 
    real or is it part of their PR campaign? 
    We started to construct a detailed analysis, 
    but then realised we didn't care. The 
    only emotion that this most tediously 
    over-exposed PR construct quasi-relationship 
    can possibly engender is boredom. 
    Familiarity really does breed comtempt. 
 
 
************************************************* 
Malcolm Gladwell is coming back to UK and touring 
his West End show to Glasgow, Brighton, Liverpool 
and Birmingham in June. You can get tickets for 
only 10.50 by using the code POPBITCH: 
http://www.malcolmgladwell-live.com/ 
************************************************* 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Steel Panther, Tigers and Custard 
 
    BBC didn't show the internal entertainment 
    from Eurovision semi-final one. Shame, it's 
    the coolest, campest thing ever! The Red 
    Army Choir, accompanied by blow-up tanks 
    and Mig fighter, accompanying Tatu singing 
    They're Not Going To Get Us. Wonder if there's 
    a message from Russia in that? 
 
 
    This week's best local newspaper story: 
http://tinyurl.com/po3kw8 
 
     Vintage Swine Flu scares from the 70s: 
http://tr.im/kUTP. 
 
    We've written in the past about the wonders of 
    LA music sensations Metalskool. Well, they're 
    here, they're now called Steel Panther and 
    they rock! If Spinal Tap mated with Motley 
    Crue, the result would still be less metal: 
 
 
    Baboons benefit from strong social networks 
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090507181225.htm 
 
    A report in the New York Times about academic study 
    into identifying whether someone is lying or not, 
    cites a Dr Hiscock-Anisman. 
http://tinyurl.com/ojv7vx 
 
    Tigers and leopards playing with pumpkins: 
http://tinyurl.com/5mlk47 

This weeks issue For Your Pleasure

"I'm not really a biscuit girl, but I used to love 
Nice biscuits - the ones with the sugar on. And I do 
like the occasional chocolate finger" - Coleen Rooney 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  21.05.09 ISSUE 448 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* What do Abba and Huey Lewis and the News share? 
* Noel and Liam give the silent treatment 
* Charts: Dizzee & Armand are number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Wannabe startin' something? << 
        Will Michael make it to the stage? 
           
    The announcement that Michael Jackson was 
    starting to postpone many of his London 
    shows this summer was the biggest shock 
    since, oh a Jordan and Peter Andre PR 
    stunt. But what are the chances he'll 
    make it on stage at all? Sources close 
    to Jacko claim he's not yet turned up 
    for one show rehearsal even though D-day 
    is now less than six weeks away. 
    AEG are said to have insisted on a clause 
    in Jackson's contract stipulating a 
    minimum amount of time that he himself would 
    be singing/performing on stage during the 
    whole show time. And that minimum amount? 
    13 minutes. Which is probably about three songs. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Calum Best lost his phone in a nightclub in Liverpool 
last weekend. The girls who found it are touting the 
photos on it around the tabloids. Oops. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which Hollywood director is said to have had, 
    for the past five years, the best dealer in LA? 
  
    Guy Hands' team discovered that which exec of 
    the previous regime was using a multi- 
    million pound London flat at the company's 
    expense purely for somewhere secret to nob 
    his mistress? 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Emmy award winning, 30 Rock Season 2 on DVD 25 May! 
The best comedy in years (and worst kept secret) 
will rock your world. Have a peak here: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/popbits/ 
***************************************************** 
 
 
      >> Get Down On It << 
      Abba's amazing influence      
 
    Last week we asked whether anyone knew if it 
    was true that people with Down's Syndrome really 
    did prefer Abba. More than 70 relatives and 
    carers wrote back. The short unscientific 
    answer, it seems, is "yes". 
 
    KB writes: 
    "I work as a carer for people with learning 
    disabilities and can attest to this 'fact'. Any 
    sign of 'difficult' behaviour and an Abba CD will 
    work better than medication." 
 
    HC writes: 
    "I have been working in learning disability 
    services for 12 years and I would agree, although 
    I have not seen this properly researched or tested.  
    They also seem to have a strong liking for Elvis 
    Presley and Cliff Richard." 
 
    ZA writes: 
    "My partner's older brother has Down's 
    Syndrome and has been listening and singing along 
    to ABBA virtually every day since their big 
    Eurovision win in '74. I've just been speaking 
    with a colleague who has an aunt with Down's 
    Syndrome, and he reports that she's obsessed 
    with ABBA too, as well as the Bee Gees." 
 
    Pumpkin writes: 
    "My cousin, John, has Down's Syndrome and he has a 
    particular fondness for musicals and Abba. I don't 
    know how he controlled himself when Mamma Mia came 
    out. Actually, he probably didn't but I prefer 
    not to think about it." 
 
Other likes:                              Not liked: 
Huey Lewis and The News                   U2 
Boney M                                   Radiohead 
Shakin' Stevens                           Oasis 
Grease                                    INXS 
Mrs Slocombe      
 
More on Huey Lewis fans: http://bit.ly/yP1Sr 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Robbie Williams' two dogs are called 
Little Wallee and The Poops. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Davidson dissected << 
        Hates Coldplay, loves prog 
 
Mr Kevin writes: 
    "I live in Dubai and recently attended a 
    function where I was introduced to Jim 
    Davidson. At first he lived up to what you 
    would expect, but when I quizzed him about 
    music he actually became quite personable. 
    He said he hated Coldplay and their music 
    was "the shit you listen to if you want to 
    come down from speed". He named Chris Martin 
    and co in his top three hated acts of all 
    time. The other two were Sade and Van Morrison. 
 
    "His top three favourite acts of all time? 
    ELO, Yes and Tangerine Dream. He even told a 
    story about seeing the German electro legends 
    live at the Oval cricket ground back  
    in the 70's." 
 
Know of any other celebrities with unexpected 
music tastes? email hello@popbitch.com 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The bloke with the beard in the new Mars Planets 
Idents that sponsor Friends on E4 is Guy Garvey from 
Elbow's younger brother. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
          >> Stringer bull << 
          Another legendary expense fiddle 
 
RSD writes: 
    "Re your nice tale about Gove and two-lunches 
    Clarke, there's an older tale about a stringer 
    in Cairo for The Telegraph who used to claim 
    for regular and lavish hospitality sessions 
    with a named contact in Egyptian security. 
    When the management finally rumbled the 
    scheme by pointing out that no such person 
    existed, the reporter, obviously at least as 
    quick-witted as  Gove, allegedly said, 
    'Damn, I knew there was something dodgy about 
    that chap!' Makes you proud to be a hack." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The Enemy recently tried to get on the guest list to 
see Kasabian but were politely told "no". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
       >> Love: it's all about chemistry << 
       Katie and Peter, take lesson from vole 
 
    In an attempt to find the secret to successful 
    long-term relationships, scientists have been 
    studying a small creature known as the prairie 
    vole - one of nature's few strictly monogamous     
    species. The results of their experiments show 
    that these fluffy little bundles secrete high 
    levels of a peptide hormone known as vasopressin 
    when they settle with a mate - a chemical 
    which 'rewards' the brain for fidelity. 
 
    Interestingly, vasopressin is also secreted by 
    humans.  It's the same hormone that keeps you 
    from pissing the bed in the night. 
 
FYI - An anagram of "prairie vole" is "I repair love". 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Saxon were spotted at the American Embassy getting 
visas ahead of US tour dates. They were wearing 
Saxon T shirts. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Dan down under << 
        Showbiz editor axed for dwarf 
       
    Our piece on News of The World showbiz editor 
    Dan Wootton recording a theme tune for his 
    column caused some readers in New Zealand to 
    get in touch. Before his NotW days, Wootton was 
    a journalist in Wellington, with a newspaper 
    column called Dan's Diary and a job as music 
    reviewer on a TV show. Supporters from back 
    in the day were pleased to see Dan doing well 
    in London as, they told us, it had gone 
    pear-shaped in New Zealand. Wootton had 
    become famous as the 21 year-old toyboy of 
    his TV show's 40 year-old presenter Lisa 
    Manning, and for being dumped by her 
    for a 60 year-old dwarf. Well, actor John 
    Rhys-Davis, who she met while he was playing 
    dwarf Gimli in Lord of the Rings. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Banksy is about to unveil a surprise new show - he 
wants to prove himself as an artist again. He's also 
parted company with agent Steve Lazarides. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
         >> Car Wag << 
         Driving in Liverpool 
 
Mr G Gee writes: 
    "I was in a cab driving thru Aintree, Liverpool 
     when the driver told me that Alex Curran 
    (Mrs Gerrard) was behind us in her black BMW. 
    He easily recognised her as she used to work 
    with his mum. The interesting thing about her 
    car was that the numerals on the front 
    registration plate were 55 but on the back 
    seemed to be 56." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Dolly Parton has just received an honorary doctorate  
from the University of Tennessee in Humane & 
Musical Letters. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >>  Eurobores << 
        It's over for another year, we promise        
 
    "We're excited about going to Oslo next year for 
    the contest as it's almost impossible to think 
    Norway isn't going to win" - we said back on 12th 
    March, and were delighted to see it happen last 
    Saturday. It also looks as if Alexander Rybak 
    might even have a top 10 single this Sunday, as 
    he's 4 in the midweeks on itunes downloads alone. 
   
    Some final bits : 
    * Each of the first four acts in Eurovision 
    were born outside the country they represented. 
    (Norway/Belarus, Iceland/Denmark, Turkey/Belgium, 
    (half of) Azerbaijan/Iran). 
    * A political row broke out between Armenia and 
    Azerbaijan. Azeri voters appeared to have been 
    blocked for voting for Armenia and Armenia 
    provoked their neighbours by cheekily using 
    photos of a disputed sculpture in their voting. 
 
    * Voters v Juries - we're on the side of tele- 
    voters. It was the juries who promoted the awful 
    Croatia and Finland into the final at the 
    expense of the way more fun Serbia and Macedonia. 
    * It was Norway's biggest ever TV audience and in 
    Greece 89% of TV viewers watched it. 
    * Full marks for BBC coverage of semis and 
    final; funny but not sneering. 
    * Shouldn't it be a pre-requisite that countries 
    entering allow gay rights? Eurovision fans 
    have described it as the Gay World Cup yet 
    the contest was accompanied by some vicious 
    gay bashing in Moscow. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite packaging materials purchaser... 
New Belgium Brewing's Brendan Beers. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
             
 
        >> Definitely, maybe << 
        Possibly the end for Oasis? 
 
deep_stoat writes: 
    "No real surprise to learn that the Oasis tour 
    has been misery, but this time it feels a little 
    more serious. Things started off badly in South 
    America with numerous delays thanks to swine 
    flu and got worse in South Africa. The turnover 
    of crew members has been high, and people aren't 
    speaking to each other. Noel is annoyed that all 
    Liam seems to think about is the new clothing line 
    he's starting up, while Liam sees this as a way 
    of finally getting some independence from his 
    mono-browed, overbearing brother. Feeling is 
    that this really could be it. This could be the 
    tour that finally kills Oasis. Hoofuckinray." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Gary Glitter's son makes apple juice. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
       >> Things that make you go hmm << 
       Tweleted, Danger Mouse and chicken in a can 
 
    Local Newspaper Headline of the week: "Shoppers 
    were left frustrated when the tills went down 
    at a supermarket": 
http://tinyurl.com/qokp3m 
 
    Want to read someone's tweets that they think 
    they've deleted? 
http://www.tweleted.com/ 
 
    A chicken in a can. Quite icky: 
http://tinyurl.com/cytscl  
 
    This is a must for Smiths fans - rock photographer 
    Kevin Cummins legendary and previously unavailable 
    limited edition photographic book, The Smiths and 
    Beyond, is finally available. DO NOT MISS OUT: 
http://www.amutionline.com 
 
    Seeing stars. Very soothing: 
http://vimeo.com/4505537?pg=embed&sec=&hd=1 
 
    Danger Mouse, Sparklehorse, David Lynch - 
    listen to the album here: 
http://tinyurl.com/qa5n88 
 
    Ever seen a cat squeeze itself into a golfish bowl? 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahmorgan/cat-in-goldfish-bowl      
 
 

This weeks edition May 2009
************************************************* 
Launching today - Guitar Hero's most explosive 
game yet! Featuring definitive tracks such as 
Seek and Destroy, Enter Sandman and Master of 
Puppets, experience the skill and intensity of 
28 Metallica tracks, plus over 20 acts hand- 
picked by the band themselves.  Rock with 
Metallica to an explosion of metal! Check out 
the tracks and the guest artists here: 
http://www.metallica.guitarhero.com 
************************************************* 
 
 
"I'd like to be one of those lap dogs that just get 
petted all day." - Justin Gaston, aka Mr Miley Cyrus 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  29.05.09 ISSUE 449 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Love will tear us aardvark 
* Hell-raising for metrosexuals 
* Charts: Dizzee Rascal and Armand are number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Celebrity love secrets << 
        Lady GaGa - she's no Andy Cole 
 
    Despite the desperate sucking up to the 
    tabloids by wandering around everywhere in her 
    pants, we're starting to like Lady GaGa. 
    Currently down under, promoting her album in 
    Australia, GaGa hit it off with a Popbitch 
    reader and took him back to her hotel room. 
    As they arrived she took his mobile phone 
    off him, and only gave it back to him on his 
    way out. So no porny photos or videos are 
    going to be finding their way to the net 
    or the tabloids without her knowing. Clever lady. 
   
 
FYI: Lady GaGa and Miley Cyrus are rocking the 
clubs in Sydney right now: 
http://www.myspace.com/starfuckers77 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Debbie McGee is going to be starring in a musical this 
summer. Frank's Closet plays at Hoxton Hall in July. 
Get that ticket now, it's going to be special... 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    This celebrity couple have enjoyed something 
    of a second wind of fame lately, but not a lot. 
    Behind the scenes they play unusual 
    games to keep their marriage interesting. 
    During panto season, the male star got 
    friendly with the dancers in the show and 
    made a big play of getting their phone numbers 
    whenever he could. But they found out he wasn't 
    looking for a date...  well not always. He liked 
    to pick up women for his wife, who was playing 
    The Queen in the pantomime. When he found  
    someone he liked the look of he'd say 
    to them "The Queen hasn't had a girl as pretty 
    as you for ages!" And when he was bored of that 
    game, some of the other dancers told tales 
    of spanking sessions (shudder). 
    
        
***************************************************** 
30 Rock Season 2 on DVD now! Alex Baldwin plus Tina 
Fey plus brilliant script = the best comedy in years 
and worst kept secret, it will rock your world. Watch 
clips here and click straight thru to play.com to buy: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/popbits 
***************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Days of wine and ros�� << 
        Hell-raising the metrosexual way 
 
abomindablehoman writes:    
    "Last Saturday, on the roof of Soho House, 
    Ralf Little, Carl Barat and Nick Moran. So 
    were these stars of rock, silver screen and, er, 
    Two Pints of Lager, raising hell in the sunshine. 
    Or actually, it was bottle after bottle of 
    ros�� wine for these party boys. Barely even 
    a raised voice. Dullards." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Jack Penate's Mum was 60 last week. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> It's Chico Time! << 
        Down's kids love X-Factor 
 
K writes: 
    "My Down's son, Oliver, is just 17 and is mad 
    for music and X-Factor and Idol and Britain's 
    Got Talent. He rocks out to Elvis, Grease, 
    Boyzone and all the winning acts from X-Factor. 
 
    "Back when Chico was in the X Factor running, 
    my elder son was on bar duties at a private 
    function in a wealthy householder's Xmas party 
    in Liverpool. Chico was one of the acts, 
    along with many more famous established 
    artists. My son asked Chico if he'd mind 
    talking to Oliver on the phone as he'd be 
    thrilled to bits. Chico immediately obliged 
    and was very genuine. 
 
    "At school the next Monday, Oliver mentioned 
    the event in class but the teacher didn't 
    believe it, and that he had merely 'phoned 
    in a vote' for Chico. We put the teacher 
    straight in a note the next day - Oliver 
    had indeed enjoyed some Chico Time with 
    the man himself!" 
 
    
------------------------------------------------------ 
Kenneth Clarke spotted shopping for organic tomatoes 
in Morrisons, Nottingham, this week, rather than 
the Sainsburys he usually frequents. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
       >> Love will tear us aardvark << 
       Misha and Kiyo act up for London Zoo      
 
    Aardvarks moved back into London Zoo in March 
    for the first time in 18 years. Misha and Kiyo 
    were billed as the stars of the new 2.3 million 
    pound children's zoo, Animal Adventures. 
    But things haven't gone according to plan. 
    The aardvarks just sleep throughout the day. 
    The zoo-keepers can't seem to persuade 
    them to get up and act all cute for the kiddies, 
    like they're supposed to. So maybe the aardvarks 
    are quiet, sleepy little fellas? Wrong. At 
    night, when the crowds go home and the zoo- 
    keepers go for their tea, something happens. 
    Every morning, when the keepers come back in, 
    they find the aardvark enclosure totally trashed, 
    like Motley Crue have been in there partying 
    all night. And what happens then? One look 
    at the zoo gates opening and the aardvarks 
    go back to bed. 
 
    An aardvark psychologist writes: 
    "This is a classic cry for attention. While 
    the zoo may be hyping up their new attraction, 
    the aardvarks see how the otters and the 
    meerkats get the media spotlight and are 
    withholding their co-operation. It may help 
    to show them some love." 
 
Love your aardvark: 
http://tinyurl.com/l45b74 
http://tinyurl.com/lt4kzo 
 
(FYI: aardvarks are also known as ant 
bears and earth pigs.) 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Both Harold Shipman and Roy Whiting bought cars 
from Autotrader. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Burying a story << 
        Legendary expense claims 
 
Two journalists write: 
    "This one might be apocryphal. A journalist 
    based in Egypt known for submitting somewhat 
    over-the-top expenses once claimed ��200 for a 
    camel. His editor suspected he was making it 
    up and said the paper would only reimburse him 
    if he provided the camel. It was, after all, 
    the paper's property. 
 
    "The next month the journalist submitted a 
    new claim: ��75 for camel burial." 
 
       
------------------------------------------------------ 
Carol Smilie Smilie writes: "Following on from story 
about Saxon wearing Saxon tees, Charlie Simpson 
was spotted at his brothers band's gig in London last 
week wearing a Fightstar hoody." 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Music for the masses << 
        Unexpected celebrity pop idols 
 
    1. Frank Rijkaard - The Sex Pistols and The 
    Pixies (and was spotted at a Pixies concert in 
    the early 90's, when he played for Ajax.) 
 
    2. Steve McQueen - Bee Gees. 
    According to biographer, Marshall Terrill: ���He 
    wore out his copy of Saturday Night Fever by 
    the Bee Gees". 
 
    3. Les Dennis - Rufus Wainwright. 
 
 
Do you know any celeb with unexpected music tastes? 
email hello@popbitch.com 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite Vice President of The Female 
Health Company.... is Donna Felch. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
         >> Emerson, Lake... and Davidson? << 
         Iconic prog rockers shudder at celeb fans 
 
    ELO fans can breathe a sigh of relief. 
    Our correspondent in Dubai misheard - Jim 
    Davidson's a fan of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, 
    ELP, not ELO. And how do we know? 
 
    * Davidson once tried to name his boat after an 
    ELP song. Much to his annoyance he discovered 
    that someone else had a boat of that name, so 
    he couldn't. He looked up the address of 
    the harbour where it was moored and piled down 
    to try and convince the owner to let him 
    take the name for himself. It was Keith 
    Emerson's boat. 
 
    * He co-promoted a Greg Lake tour. 
 
    * One season of his Generation Game used ELP's 
     Karn Evil 9 for the title music. 
    "Welcome back my friends, to the show that 
    never ends..." 
 
    * Karn Evil 9 was on the album Brain Salad 
    Surgery which is a slang term for fellatio. 
 
    * Davidson made an album in the late nineties, 
    Watching over You. The title track is a 
    late period ELP track, and the album was produced 
    by Greg Lake. 
http://eil.com/shop/moreinfo.asp?catalogid=251410 
 
 
FYI Britain's loss is Australia's, ahem, gain... 
Jim Davidson is touring this summer: 
http://www.crowncasino.com/Content.aspx?topicID=1206 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Eurovision winner Alexander Rybak can next be seen 
starring in a film. He plays Morten Harket's son. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Insania << 
        Poor Harvey is the loser 
 
    Why we feel sorry for Andre right now in 
    the current Harveycentric Katie v Peter battle: 
 
    "Cabin crew on Jordan and Peter Andre's 
    honeymoon flight say Jordan just sat in Business 
    Class while Peter was so nice, and played with 
    Harvey for the whole flight." 
 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Fire real dodgeballs at real people with pinpoint 
accuracy from your own computer. 
http://dodgeball.doritos.co.uk/game/ 
***************************************************** 
 
 
       >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Seal stands up, shagging insects, Ronaldo       
 
    Someone's tried to go one better than Charles 
    Mingus and invent something to train your 
    cat to use the toilet: 
http://www.litterkwitter.com.au 
 
    This week's addictive game: 
http://www.kongregate.com/games/SimianLogic/filler 
 
    Missed out on buying a Banksy? Spot the hottest 
    new talent at the Royal College of Art Summer Show. 
    Opens today - dates/times: 
http://www.rca.ac.uk 
 
    Vintage sexist ads: 
http://www.oddee.com/item_96674.aspx 
 
    Photos of insects shagging: 
http://www.webphemera.com/2009/05/insects-in-flagrante.html 
 
    Seal stands upright: 
http://tinyurl.com/n5zq93 
 
    Perhaps Cristiano Ronaldo had other things on 
    his mind this week: 
 
 
    The Daily Mail and gay adoption - some people 
    don't like the half-truths and downright lies. 
    Who'd have thought? 
http://dontgetmad-getaccurate.blogspot.com/ 
    
    Nice to see The Veronicas finally get the media 
    and record industry backing they deserve. We 
    brought them to you in February 2006. Check 
    out their first hit 4Ever. 
 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Get fashion advice from Mark Heyes, the stylist off 
GMTV, plus 10% off shoes with the code MARKPOP at 
Shudoo.co.uk. Offer ends June 7th. 
http://tinyurl.com/qnactw 
***************************************************** 

POpbitch update

************************************************* 
Saturday is Epsom Derby Day. If you're in London, 
get an introduction to horse racing at our Derby 
Party at The East Room, Shoreditch. Don't forget 
your free 25 quid bet: Our tips (well, sometimes 
they work) See The Stars, Black Bear Island and 
Kite Wood (e/w). Bet: http://tinyurl.com/ocw8gg 
Party: http://www.thstrm.com/Epsom_Derby_Day.html 
************************************************* 
 
 
"Bowtie pasta is my thing. Tastes great with 
tomato sauce. Or possibly some pesto" - Asher Roth 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  04.06.09 ISSUE 450 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Hangin' Tough at the Olympics 2012 
* Michael Jackson to unleash arockalypse? 
* Charts: Black Eyed Peas are number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
     
      >> Oops! They did it again << 
      Britney's crew fail fun-free test 
 
    The Britney Spears circus has moved to London. 
    The tightly-controlled ex-party girl won't 
    be having nearly so much fun on this tour. 
    All personnel who want to go backstage to 
    Brit's inner sanctum at the O2 have to 
    undergo a drugs test. More than one of 
    her dancers flew in from Amsterdam for the 
    start of the UK dates yesterday and failed the 
    drugs test. Cue hasty replacement rehearsals. 
    
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
A recent dining companion of Kylie Minogue remarked 
how much she's started to look like Joan Rivers. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> The day of rockoning is coming << 
        Michael Jackson keeps the world guessing 
 
    Only five weeks to go until the Michael Jackson 
    extravaganza supposedly hits London. The good 
    news is that rehearsals for the show are well 
    underway - we hear elephants are involved - 
    but the bad news is that, as we recently reported, 
    they're going ahead without the star of 
    the show's involvement. And even if Jacko is 
    only obliged to sing for 13 minutes each show, 
    you'd think he'd need some practice. 
    Particularly as we can't seem to find evidence 
    of him singing properly live since the HIStory 
    tour of 1997. 
 
    The concert promoters should be getting worried. 
    Jackson is setting up any number of excuses 
    in the media already (a doctor to say he has 
    skin cancer, AEG putting on too many shows etc) 
    and he's got a lot of history of this kind of 
    last minute cancellation thing. We wrote years 
    ago about the American gig that got pulled last 
    minute - Jackson sent a cheque to reimburse 
    each ticket-holder, knowing full well that only 
    a tiny minority would actually cash it so 
    he could end up quids in. 
 
    But more than O2 and the promoters, the group 
    really getting hot under the collar is the 
    secondary ticketing industry. Exchanges, touts 
    and hospitality have flourished in recent 
    years but there are fears that much of the 
    industry could be taken out if Jackson decides 
    to abandon his tour. As Lordi would say, 
    it would be an arockalypse. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Robert Plant, kids and friends "doing a Saxon". 
Seen in a Ibiza beach restaurant all wearing Led 
Zeppelin tee-shirts. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which music superstar mysteriously missed a 
    recent personal appearance? An assistant 
    found the star face down with an empty bottle 
    of whisky by their side. 
 
    This publicity-whore is desperately trying 
    to keep news of her recent affair quiet 
    by getting her publicist to plant rumours 
    that her partner had been unfaithful? 
    
 
***************************************************** 
Malcolm Gladwell is touring his West End show at 
the end of this month: Brighton, Liverpool, 
Birmingham and Glasgow. It's a fun hour about 
plane crashes and the like. And a nice credit- 
crunch 10.50 if you quote "POPBITCH": 
http://www.malcolmgladwell-live.com/ 
***************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Hangin� Tough << 
        Carradine would have approved 
 
    Olympic organisers are obviously filled with 
    confidence that no-one is going to be 
    committing suicide at London 2012 as, apparently, 
    they are specifically making the door frames 
    to the toilets sturdy enough to support the 
    body weight of athletes (not to facilitate 
    hanging; just in case any of the competitors 
    decide, post-shit, that they might want to 
    do a few chin-ups). 
 
    However, architects may wish to rethink their 
    plans after reading this paean to masturbating 
    without using your hands, particularly what 
    age 20, Texas has to say. 
 
    With the combined potential for auto-asphyxia 
    and chin-up-based ejaculations, the queues for 
    the loos are going to be populated almost 
    exclusively by perverts. 
 
More: 
http://www.jackinworld.com/qow/q344.html 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
An American scientific team has studied whether 
the supposed association between shoe size and penis 
size has any scientific basis. The answer? No. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
         >>  When New Labour was new << 
         Remembering a gentler political time 
 
onthehushhush writes: 
    "I stumbled across John and Norma Major at 
    about 4am on election night 1997, when it 
    was clear they'd lost. They were sat in a Jag 
    on the north bank of the Thames, within earshot 
    of the Labour Party party at the RFH, listening 
    to people singing Things Can Only Get Better, 
    watching dawn break over Westminster, and 
    gently weeping on each other's shoulder. 
    If I'd had a camera on me I'd have made a bomb." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
MC Tunes is now working behind the bar in the 
Salutation pub, Fallowfield. (He's on twelve 'til 
six, Monday to Friday.) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
    
        >> Celebrity spotting << 
        Our favourite sightings of the week 
 
    1. David Hasselhoff 
    "Flying back from Dublin a BMI flight Sunday 
    afternoon. "He was wearing a white stetson 
    and bright blue suede loafers. He 
    looked bored." 
 
    2. Ben-off-the-Apprentice 
    "Fighting with his girlfriend outside 
    Starbucks in Edinburgh this weekend". 
    (Let's hope it wasn't about the yawnsome 
    Ben/Yasmina "gruesome twosome" rumours 
    doing the rounds...) 
 
    3. A Turd 
    Just 2 weeks after Princess Beatrice made 
    her debut at Goldsmiths' weekly student 
    night, "Club Sandwich" closed early last 
    night - because someone shat 
    on the dancefloor. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Pudgy Posh writes: "Susan Boyle is well known among 
NHS 24 staff (the Scottish equivalent of NHS Direct.)  
She was a regular caller as her mental illness meant 
she got lonely, sad and wanted to chat." 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
      >> Jolie Juice << 
      Or how to get a taste of Brad Pitt 
    
    Many classic albums have been recorded at 
    Chateau Miravel, Provence. Pink Floyd 
    recorded The Wall there (but we'll leave out 
    the Cranberries and Sting as then it doesn't 
    sound so cool). The owners of the Chateau 
    have commemorated that album by calling their 
    top quality rose Cuvee Pink Floyd. 
 
    They're missing a trick. This is Brangelina's 
    house. It's where Brad and Angelina's twins 
    were spawned. And we understand that the 
    Hollywood pair are in talks about buying 
    the chateau, not just renting it. 
    So get yourself a taste of Brad or some 
    Jolie Juice. As you can imagine it 
    tastes nice. Not too sweet, quite fruity 
    with a dry after-taste at the back of 
    the throat. 
 
Special price: 60 pounds for a case of six: 
http://www.planetofthegrapes.co.uk 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The most prolific 10% of Twitter users account 
for over 90% of tweets. And most of them are men. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Green at the gills << 
        Conservatives' selfless eco-charity 
 
    You may have seen the recent scandal involving 
    Laetitia Gunn, a once-promising Tory star who 
    very kindly allowed her MP father to list her 
    flat as his second residence so he could kip 
    over whilst he was working at Westminster and 
    reduce his commuting carbon footprint in the 
    process. She received just over �15,000 in 
    taxpayers� money to settle the �rent� and was 
    consequently raked over the coals for it. 
 
    Trust MP Greg Barker to have seen this incident 
    for the selfless act of eco-charity it 
    obviously was. He�s enlisted her on the 
    committee of his recently launched Conservative 
    Climate Campaign. With green experience like 
    hers, we�re sure it�ll do very well. 
 
FYI: Greg Barker�s name sound familiar?  He was 
the one who left his wife to run off with his 
male interior decorator and then leave him for a 
cute polo player. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Rumours are circulating that The Face magazine is to 
be resurrected. (Don't do it... remember the world of 
misery when Buffy was brought back from the dead?) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> A kind of magic << 
        Chilling out with Popbitch 
    
    The Big Chill festival has been a favourite 
    on the summer circuit for 15 years, but this 
    year it has something extra going for it. 
    There's going to be a Popbitch tent! For three 
    days we'll be hosting a hedonistic party, 
    but with plenty of time for entertaining-but- 
    civilised stuff that even involves sitting 
    down in between the mayhem. 
 
    Want to know more and win tickets to the Big 
    Chill, not just for this year but forever? Tell 
    us what you think we should have in the tent: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/06/04/popbitch-big-chill 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The first race at the Epsom Derby meeting, Saturday, 
is the Sir Clement Freud Memorial stakes. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
       >> Things that make you go hmm << 
       Big Brother, Jesus killed Mohammed, EU by cake 
  
    Not just a pasta fan, Asher Roth likes singing 
    along to E17 numbers, tells popbitch what record 
    would be playing in the credits of "Asher Rother: 
    The Movie" and what tunes you should get stoned to: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/06/04/asher-roth 
 
    Big Brother's back. These two identikit "lovelies" 
    might be in it: 
http//www.myspace.com/stephaniesparkles 
http://tinyurl.com/q2hkbw 
 
    A new kind of politics? 
http://www.unitedminds.ie/ 
 
    A new national poll in America suggests only 20% 
    of Americans have a favourable view of Muslim 
    countries. "Jesus Killed Mohammed" - an 
    interesting, sort of related, article" 
http://harpers.org/archive/2009/05/0082488 
 
    100 greatest movie lines in 200 seconds: 
 
 
    EU by cake. Has no-one at BBC News seen The 
    Day Today? Please someone, make them; 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8033163.stm 
 
    Who broke Susan Boyle? 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/06/03/who-broke-susan-boyle/ 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Get fashion advice from Mark Heyes, "the stylist off 
of GMTV", plus 20% off shoes with the code MARKPOP 
at Shudoo.co.uk. Offer ends June 21st. 
http://tinyurl.com/otespk 
***************************************************** 

Last weeks dirt
New Dr Who Matt Smith
"Hung like a horse by the way!"

 
"I'd like to get married in the woods 
because I'm not really into that whole 
traditional thing" - Lee Ryan 
 
�Have you seen my arse? It�s like an 
Alsatian�s" - Steven Gerrard 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  11.06.09 ISSUE 451 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Smooth-voiced Criminal 
* Britney v Florence v Boots 
* Charts: Pixie Lott is number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
     
        >> Oranges are not the only fruit << 
       Mel B shows other celebs how to behave 
 
    The Spice Girls were always a showbiz columnist's 
    dream -  friendly, sassy, full of quotes and 
    candid confessions, like Mel B's memorable 
    "If there was an Olympic sport for anything, 
    I'd win gold  for sex!"  We're glad to hear 
    Mel might still be doing her bit for pop star- 
    journalist relations. Daily Mirror 3AM 
    blonde Clemmie has been dropping hints to 
    colleagues that Mel and her husband were, um, 
    most welcoming, when they met this year. 
    If the rumours are true that the other 3AM girl, 
    Danielle, has been lucky enough to enjoy Jason 
    Orange's, er, oranges, then it seems as if the 
    paper's aging showbiz column might be 
    finding its form again. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Darts legend Bobby George has more than 3,000 
Hofmeister ashtrays in his loft, according to 
The Publican magazine. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
      >> Smooth voiced criminal << 
      Jacko and his Barry White secret 
      
    This week's Michael Jackson live show 
    get-out-clause is that he and AEG are being 
    sued by an American promoter to prevent his 
    London shows going ahead, as he claims he 
    has an earlier commitment from the singer to 
    perform live over the water. 
 
    But that's nothing near as exciting as the 
    other piece of news we learned about Jacko 
    this week. You know that high-pitched, soft, 
    child like speaking voice he's got? It's 
    an act, just for show. In real life, he has 
    a strong, deep male voice, just like 
    his brothers. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Limahl spotted at Geneva airport wearing a 
Kajagoogoo T-Shirt. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which hirsute TV comic was the subject of a prank 
    by his fellow TV show team after he mentioned 
    something on air about Sarah Beeny's breasts? 
    His pals spent hours afterwards texting him 
    pretending to be an amorous Ms Beeny 
    while "she" and the comedian texted each other 
    all they mucky things they wanted to do? 
    
 
***************************************************** 
Malcolm Gladwell is touring his West End show at 
the end of June: Brighton, Liverpool, B'ham, Glasgow. 
Come see what all the fuss is about without breaking 
the bank: quote "POPBITCH" for cheap 10.50 tickets. 
http://www.malcolmgladwell-live.com/ 
***************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Holding out for a hero  << 
        TV genius likes to strum for fun 
 
    TV presenter and Guardian columnist Charlie 
    Brooker's work has often featured his love 
    for, and knowledge of, gadgets and computer games. 
    One conquest describes a night when she 
    met Mr Brooker. They went back to his house, 
    and after a game of Guitar Hero, retired to 
    bed. Only for this to be something of a 
    shorter-lived thing than she expected, as 
    the columnist quickly wanted to get up again 
    to resume playing Guitar Hero. It's always 
    nice to find people who stay true to their 
    past interests when they get famous. 
 
FYI: The lady in question also reported our 
guitar playing hero has "a large cock".      
 
FYI 2: bathwithkirsty writes: "I was told at the 
weekend that Richard Herring has a "surprisingly 
adequate" penis. 
 
FYI 3: Jambuster writes: New Dr Who Matt Smith 
"Hung like a horse by the way!" 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Simon Bates' mum was a driving instructor. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
         >> Toxic << 
         Pop not always good 
 
    Last night we went to see Britney at O2. It 
    was a sad evening. The sheer brilliance of 
    Baby, One More Time was one of the things 
    that made us start Popbitch; the emergence of 
    artists like Britney (and Justin, Christina etc) 
    made pop feel shiny and exciting again. 
    So watching a sedated-looking woman in a bad 
    frightwig pimped out by her controlling father 
    to make some money through an S&M themed show, 
    while poorly remixed versions of her hits 
    played over a wonky sound system, 
    had a particular poignancy. 
 
    Still, one of the beauties of pop is its ephemeral 
    here-today-rubbish-tomorrow charm. And on 
    Monday we chanced upon two of 2009's most- 
    hyped new stars, Florence (of the Machine) 
    and Little Boots, at a party. Neither exuded 
    any kind of star-quality but on this 
    showing we prefer Boots, who just danced out of 
    time to the DJ, while Flo resorted to 
    lying on the floor with her legs in the air in 
    what appeared to be a desperate "look-at-me" 
    pose. We just wished we liked Boots' album; it's 
    just a bit, well, ok-ish. Single New In Town 
    appears to be heavily "inspired" by Goldfrapp's 
    You Never Know, while the album melds Kylie with 
    Eighth Wonder, a pop hybrid we'd never really 
    thought was essential. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
As his solo song on the current Boyzone tour, 
Stephen Gately performs Beyonce's Single Ladies. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Straight out, no chaser << 
        Don't Make a Reasonable Wish Foundation 
 
    Australia has its own TV Moral Outrage story on 
    the go at the moment which makes Brand and 
    Ross look like pussies. The Chasers War With 
    Everything comedy team did a sketch called 
    the Make A Reasonable Wish Foundation which 
    got the comedy team a two-week ban, and 
    the head of comedy at channel ABC the sack. 
    Through history jokes have been used as a mechanism 
    to cope with the downsides of mortality, and help 
    make sense of the chaos of the world around us. 
    It would be sad if the current trend to 
    disallow anything that causes anyone any offence 
    meant that this was no longer true. 
 
Watch it for yourself: 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite Professor of Astrophysics and 
Cosmology is the University of Edinburgh's... 
Professor Alan Heavens. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
    
        >> Say sorry to a celebrity << 
        Blowing raspberries at Ronnie Corbett 
 
Saffron Bunn writes: 
    "I saw Ronnie Corbett backstage at the Edinburgh 
    Fringe. I was very very excited. I loved the Two 
    Ronnies and particularly the great raspberry 
    blower of old London town. So I raced over and 
    blew a tremendous raspberry while miming a 
    flourish of my imaginary cape. 
 
    "Ronnie didn't even look up, and everyone else 
    looked embarrased. I was gutted. The worst thing 
    was I had to remain in the same room for 
    another 20 minutes. Sorry Ronnie, I hope 
    this explains things." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Liberal Democrats have apologised after a campaign 
leaflet for last week's elections called Mebyon 
Kernow's, Stuart Cullimore, a "greasy-haired twat". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Blue Sky thinking << 
        Twittering about pants 
 
    As seemingly every journalist in the world 
    begs you to follow them on Twitter, lets look 
    at the amazing scoops they reveal. 
    
    Today we've been following Sara Merchant, 
    from Sky News. According to Sara's biography, 
    she "joined Sky News as a reporter in 2005. 
    Since then she's covered major news stories 
    including the murder of Alexander Litvenenko, 
    the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, the 
    attempted car bombing in London and the 
    terrorist attack on Glasgow airport." 
   
    Today, Sara is at Selfridges to offer a 
    free ad campaign for Armani/David Beckham 
    - sorry, covering a major news story. 
 
     #beckham: i have just arrived at selfridges 
     to see david beckham in his pants 
 
     #beckham: a press officer says beckham 
     won't be appearing in his pants today - 
     disappointed fans? 
 
     #beckham: 270 people who bought armani pants 
     last friday have won the chance to meet 
     beckham today - will they get their pants signed? 
 
     #beckham: 15 minutes to go before david 
     beckham's arrival in oxford street... 
   
 
***************************************************** 
There's not enough pop on TV. So yay for Sony 
Ericsson's Pocket TV. Here's an interview and 
live session with Paloma Faith who we like here at 
Popbitch because she used to be a magician's 
assistant, has been working the London scene for 
ages, is nicely odd, and can really sing. 
http://tinyurl.com/lsz5wq 
***************************************************** 
     
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Liam Gallagher, Malt mouse loaf, ducks 
 
    Policewoman rescuing ducks: 
http://tinyurl.com/nc8e6t 
 
    Jon Stewart on the 24h news channels: 
http://tinyurl.com/l5ajkn 
 
    Try punching a someone in the face or getting 
    jiggy with a stranger while sober... 
http://snipurl.com/jtsme 
 
    The least romantic online dating site in the UK: 
http://www.ForgetDinner.co.uk 
 
    Brixton popstress MPHO has made some very 
    nice music for the summer. Listen: 
http://links.emi.com/mpho/signup 
 
    Loads of new tee shirt designs for the summer - 
    with tw@tter, Sockington and John Noakes 
    amongst them: 
http://www.teefly.com 
 
    Liam Gallagher talks about his new clothes line: 
 
       
    Sophie Big Brother tried to be a Motorcycle 
    News babe last year: 
http://tinyurl.com/lmcdka 
 
    Malt Mouse Loaf: 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/8092921.stm 
 
    Google's future "email on crack" application, Wave, 
    was named after the electronic video communication 
    in Joss Whedon's Firefly. 
http://whedonesque.com/comments/20516 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
PIXIE LOTT Mama Do 
 
++ Top Twenty 
LADY GAGA Paparazzi 
LINKIN PARK New Divide 
 
++ Top Forty 
JORDIN SPARKS Battlefield 
KASABIAN Underdog 
PUSSYCAT DOLLS Hush Hush 
 
**************************************************** 
Thanks to: SW, AM, CL, LT, AA, danceswithmustelids, 
JM, JB, AA, zygmunt, T 
 
LONDON: Want tickets to Italians Do It Better at Koko 
tonight to see Lindstrom and others? 
 
MANCHESTER: Want tickets to this weekend's Mad 
Ferret festival? It's at Platt Fields, with 
performances from The Streets, Roots Manuva, 
John Cooper Clarke: http://www.madferretfestival.com 
 
Email us a joke and you might win: hello@popbitch.com 
with "koko" or "mad ferret" in subject line 
***************************************************** 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow? 
A: You look for the fresh prints. 
 
Still Bored: 
The Gazprom song. Even better than KPMG's anthem: 
 

This weeks issue hot off the press:

***************************************************** 
It's Ladies Day at Ascot. To celebrate the annual 
champagne and hat fest Ladbrokes have gone girly for 
the day. Win chocolates, a trip to Champneys plus 
Royal Ascot fashion tips and a "how to bet" guide: 
http://ladybrokes.com/ 
***************************************************** 
 
 
"I like pants" - Sophie Ellis Bextor 
"Pete could never accept the fact 
I was the star" - Katie Price 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  18.06.09 ISSUE 452 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Sushi for Mr Horne 
* Calling Mrs Cobain 
* Charts: David Guetta is number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
  	 	 	 	 	 	 
 
        >> Calling Mrs Cobain << 
        Courtney uses unusual disguise 
 
    In the arrivals hall of Los Angeles International 
    Airport this week, a driver stood and waited 
    holding up a board with the name, "COBAIN" 
    scribbled on it. 
 
    Air travellers wondered if it was any relation. 
    Frances Bean, even? Instead... Courtney Love 
    stumbled out of the gate. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The Rihanna sex tape - reports suggest it's a hoax 
starring porn queen Lavish Styles to promote a band. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Tevez or not Tevez  << 
        Chelsea in huff with football agent 
 
    The ongoing Carlos Tevez saga doesn't appear 
    any closer to a conclusion this week. While 
    bookmakers predict a move to Chelsea, and 
    Carlo Ancelotti has indicated his desire for 
    it. we understand that this isn't likely. Chelsea 
    loathe Tevez' shady puppeteer, Kia Joorabchian. 
    Joorabchian is also the man pulling the strings 
    at Man City. Without his personal phone call 
    to Robinho on transfer deadline day last year 
    Chelsea are certain they'd have got their man. 
    There's been internal arguments over whether 
    the chance to put one over on Man Utd is 
    worth the pain of dealing with Joorabchian. 
    So far the view is that it probably isn't. 
    
       
------------------------------------------------------ 
Lady Gaga has the two best selling singles of the 
year. Poker Face and Just Dance have sold more 
than 1.3 million singles.  
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people want to believe this week 
 
    Which huge 90s comedy star wasn't just a star 
    of the TV screen -  he also had a special 
    treat for his partner? On special occasions 
    he'd agree to proclaim his famous catch- 
    phrase, as he came on his partner's face. 
 
 
***************************************************** 
The boss isn't looking - now's the time to plan your 
holidays. Take a mate and save BIG! STA Travel are 
offering amazing fares when you and a mate book 
together. Prices for two seats: USA fr �499, Hong 
Kong fr �519, Oz fr �749 and loads more here: 
http://tinyurl.com/takeamate 
***************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Credit crunch pop << 
        Who's Doing A Ronson in 2009 
 
    The summer festival season has opened, at 
    Isle of Wight. Backstage there was some 
    interesting talk between a number of the 
    artists. Credit crunch and recession fears 
    have even hit pop stars, it seems. Some 
    of the artists were talking of how this 
    year they're "Doing A Ronson". 
 
    Last summer Mark Ronson decided it was safest 
    to resort to the age old rock 'n roll method 
    of ensuring he got paid properly - cash before 
    going on stage at any festival. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
What's the big news story of the week: half a million 
people taking to streets of Tehran to defy the 
Government? Well, we got an ITN special 
last night. On Amy Winehouse. 
------------------------------------------------------       
 
 
        >> DJ DIY << 
        Kitchen mixing 
    
    DJ Patrick Forge is probably best known for his 
    soul/jazz show on Kiss FM and a famous weekly 
    at Dingwalls with Gilles Peterson. But in the 
    music music industry he's also known for his 
    kitchen. Patrick is tall - over six feet. But 
    he had a very small Japanese girlfriend. So, 
    how does a tall DJ best show his love? He got 
    the builders in to lower his kitchen worktops. 
 
    Sadly, the girlfriend left him and Forge is left 
    bending over a particular small kitchen every 
    time he wants to make a sandwich. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Freddie Mercury's middle name was Pluto. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
        >> Fishy tale << 
        Horne shows his celebrity skills 
 
    Matthew Horne from Horne and Corden has been 
    branching out from comedy, into the world of 
    celebrity DJing. News reaches us of a 
    recent club appearance where Horne did the 
    usual celebrity DJ stint of standing near 
    the decks waving at the crowd. And at 1am 
    he demanded sushi. Perfectly normal and to 
    be expected for any self-respecting celebrity? 
    Maybe. Then again, this club was in Truro. 
    Late night sushi bars are a bit late 
    coming to much of Cornwall. 
 
       
------------------------------------------------------ 
Last night's F1 party at the V&A museum might 
have had the world's worst party gift bags: Tiglets, 
Hildon water and a flyer for a Peter Pan treasure hunt. 
Have you had a worse gift bag? email hello@popbitch.com 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
    
        >> Popbits << 
        Stuff we like this month 
 
    1. It must be summer -  there's a club 
    hit with Sophie Ellis Bextor vocals: 
 
 
    2. Twilight might have been dross but the 
    trailer for New Moon looks more promising: 
 
 
    3. The Veronicas best track 4Ever finally 
    gets a release here -  we first wrote about it 
    in February 2006 so it's been a long time coming: 
 
 
    4. Q: What do hippy horses eat? A: Hay, man. 
 
    5. Q: What do you call an Irish man who sits 
   out all night in the garden? A: Paddy O�Furniture. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
House was the world's most watched TV show in 2008. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Yeats day << 
        News from Royal Ascot 
 
    The sun is out, the sky is blue. There's 
    still time to pull a sickie and get to Ascot 
    today or tomorrow. Unlike recent years, 
    when once the Popbitch away day found itself 
    in the middle of a riot with drunks fighting 
    over deckchairs, this year crowds are down. 
    Which means plenty of seats and bar space. 
    So far this year we've spotted a well-known 
    football figure having a cocaine-fuelled 
    tantrum, and a TV presenter losing a lot of 
    money on a hot tip that, er, wasn't. 
  
    Today's big tip is Yogaroo in the 2.30pm. 
    The third of the trio of American sprint 
    team, the first two Strike The Tiger and 
    Jealous Again romped home. And today's big 
    race is the Gold Cup. Yeats is 
    bidding for a record breaking four wins 
    in a row. We're going with our heart and 
    backing him, but other tipsters say 
    Veracity and Patkai. You get a free 10 
    pound bet at Ladbrokes today: 
http://tinyurl.com/kkdxh4 
      
       
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite Marketing & Communications 
Officer...Forestry Commission England's Roger Woods. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
    
        >> Say sorry to a star << 
        A reader, almost, apologises to Mallett 
 
HD writes: 
    "When I was about 10, me and my mate went down 
    to the TV AM studios in Camden. It was round 
    the corner from my house. We got chatting to 
    the security guards and told them we were 
    HUGE Timmy Mallett fans, who'd come to meet him. 
    All the way from Scotland. They were very nice 
    and gave us signed postcards and cups of tea 
    while we waited for two hours for Timmy to turn up. 
 
    "They'd obviously let him know in advance because 
    when his car arrived, Mallett bounced out giving 
    us the thumbs up and a big wa-hay. At this point 
    we both stood up, give him the middle finger 
    and ran away. His crestfallen face was priceless. 
    Actually, it's making me laugh now. I'm not 
    sorry at all." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Swine Flu has hit Sandhurst with one instructor 
confirmed and five cadets undergoing testing. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Pet perfume, raccoons, dictionaries 
 
    Best named lift company:     
http://www.schindlerlifts.co.uk 
 
    The Australian Chasers may have been taken off 
    the air for joking about the Make A Wish 
    Foundation, but The Onion have also been there: 
 
 
    Perfume for your pet: 
http://www.chemistwarehouse.com.au/product.asp?id=56912 
 
    Age of consent around the world: 
http://www.avert.org/age-of-consent.htm 
 
    Raccoon playing: 
 
 
    "Tonight Matthew, I'll be playing the choir" 
 
 
    What words do New York Times readers look up? 
http://tinyurl.com/l9qzyn 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
DAVID GUETTA & KELLY ROWLAND When Love Takes Over 
 
++ Top Ten 
TAKE THAT Said It All 
LADY GAGA Paparazzi 
 
++ Top Twenty 
JORDIN SPARKS Battlefield 
PALOMA FAITH Stone Cold Sober 
 
++ Top Forty 
FREEMASONS Heartbreak 
DEPECHE MODE Peace 
 
**************************************************** 
Thanks to: SW, AM, CL, LT, AA, five, NL, Ulysses, 
JD, Kerching, 666, uncle_whuppity, honk, supercrass 
 
* And thanks to Lily Allen for tweeting Popbitch 
quotes on to her followers 
***************************************************** 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
Q. What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan? 
A. The Talibanana. 
 
Still Bored: 
Congratulations to "Bubbleboy" who won the four 
tickets to Big Chill for every year forever! 
Thanks for the millions of great ideas for the PB 
tent, we'll have a new page next week on the site 
all about our Big Chill fun and games. You can 
buy tickets here: 
http://tinyurl.com/mofyby 

Hi this weeks edition is late, Im still not 100%, well not even 10%. bloody prescription pills arnt working for me. mainly about Wacko

"I'm wondering that, as we find out details of his 
death, if perhaps the stress of preparing for those 
dates was a factor in his collapse."  - Paul Gambaccini 
 
"A lot of people think I'm a Michael Jackson 
impersonator" - Michael Jackson 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  26.06.09 SPECIAL ISSUE 454 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
"And though you fight to stay alive 
Your body starts to shiver 
For no mere mortal can resist 
The evil of the thriller" 
 
The special Michael Jackson tribute issue 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> RIP Jacko << 
        We'll always have Thriller 
 
    Prescription drugs, anxiety medication, a 
    long-standing fairly secret alcohol problem, 
    and the almost constant threat of bankruptcy. 
    Then add on top the no win situation of the 
    concert series - pull out and lose what was 
    left of his reputation or head to the O2 
    with frail health and stagefright, and 
    lose what was left of his reputation. 
 
    So farewell Michael Jackson, if you are dead 
    and not whisked away to Bahrain while an 
    impersonator throws us off the scent. 
    He touched so many people through his life 
    - and no doubt many of the younger ones will 
    be going to the press with their stories. 
    And not only did he leave us so many brilliant 
    songs, let's remember all the laughs we shared too. 
    Rest in peace Michael: hopefully you will be 
    sharing some Jesus Juice with Jesus tonight. 
      
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Madonna can't stop crying" -  BBC News ticker. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Fan fiction << 
        Even in death, a cock up 
 
Supercrass writes from LA: 
    "On the corner of Hollywood and Vine sits a star 
    along the "Hollywood Walk of Fame," with loads 
    of flowers, candles and pictures, surrounded by 
    fans of Michael Jackson. (Pictured in almost 
    every newspaper this morning). The star they have 
    been surrounding all day is marked with the 
    name, Michael Jackson. But the star does not 
    belong to The King of Pop, it belongs to British 
    born radio host Michael Jackson, who has been 
    an L.A. radio personality for over 30 years. 
    Seems the other Michael Jackson���s star has 
    been covered since early Thursday morning. 
    Covered by a red carpet. A red carpet 
    leading to The Chinese Theatre Hollywood 
    premiere of Bruno." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I feel this is the biggest celebrity story in a 
long time and has the potential to be the Princess 
Diana of popular culture." - Melanie Bromley, 
Us Weekly magazine. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> The Jackson Memorial Jokes << 
        Even in death, he brings us laughter 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 1 
 
    Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart 
    attack are incorrect. 
 
    He was found in the children���s ward having 
    a stroke. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The King of Pop referred to semen as "Duck Butter". 
And the booze he gave to young boys as "Jesus Juice". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
     Jacko Memorial Joke 2 
 
    There will be a post-mortem today to determine 
    which was the cause of death: 
 
    A) Sunshine B) Moonlight C) Good Times D) Boogie 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I don't think we will ever have a world without 
Michael Jackson." Trevor Nelson 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 3 
 
    Michael Jackson died of shock after finding out 
    Boyz II Men was a band not a delivery service. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Michael Jackson showed me that you can actually see 
the beat. He made me believe in magic. I will 
miss him." - P Diddy 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 4 
 
    Jockeys at tomorrow's race meetings will wear 
    black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson, 
    who successfully rode more three yr olds than 
    anyone in living memory. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"When he held me and hugged me I could feel total, 
unconditional love from him. It was one of the most 
special moments of my life." -  Uri Geller. 
(Poor Uri is likely to be the second biggest loser 
from Jacko's death. The only reason for the media 
to call on him now is gone.) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 5 
 
    McDonald's are bringing out the Michael 
    Jackson tribute burger. 
    50 year old meat between two 7 year old buns. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I'm having a million different reactions 
I didn't expect I would feel." Cher 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 6 
 
    What���s the difference between Michael Jackson 
    and Alex Ferguson? 
 
    Fergie WILL be playing Giggs in August. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I feel like John Lennon got shot" 
Fall Out Boy's  Patrick Stump 
----------------------------------------------------- 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 7 
 
    When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God was 
    such a big fan he decided to grant her one wish. 
    She asked that all the children in the world 
    could be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Michael Jackson bought Aaron Carter a Bentley for his 
16th birthday after they hung out a couple of times. 
Aaron said "I was very freaked out, trust me." 
Aaron hasn't mentioned MJ's passing yet, but keep 
your eyes peeled - http://twitter.com/aaroncarter7 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 8 
 
    Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning. 
    He ate some 12 year old nuts. 
 
    ...Er or was it a five-year old wiener? 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Michael Jackson once invited Justin Timberlake to 
Neverland. When JT turned up with Britney, Jacko got 
furious and refused to open the gate for half an hour.  
When they finally got into the party, Jacko ignored 
Britney and went off with Justin. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 9 
 
    50 kids have volunteered to identify the body 
    as they have first-hand experience of 
    seeing Michael Jackson stiff. 
      
------------------------------------------------------ 
Michael Jackson's favourite Christmas record was 
Mud's Lonely This Christmas. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
       
 
    Jacko Memorial Joke 10 
 
    Michael Jackson's legal team announced that 
    he had agreed to be melted down by undertakers 
    to make plastic toys. So, kids can play with 
    him for a change. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"He was not only a talented person, but he was 
unique - a genius. It's such a loss. It feels 
like when Kennedy died.��� - Celine Dion 
(Just in case you don���t have the dates to hand, 
JFK was assassinated in 1963. Five years later - in 
1968 - Celine Dion was born.) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
 Jacko Memorial Joke 11 
 
    It has been reported on the "Angels News" 
    Michael Jackson was refused entry to heaven due 
    to the fact they dont accept plastic. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"When I started working with him, I think 
that was when he really started to isolate 
himself" - Sheryl Crow 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> And what happened to Bubbles? << 
        Wanking monkey finds itself set adrift 
 
From Stephen Davis, MJ's ghostwriter: 
    "What happened to Bubbles in the end was that he 
    started jerking off in front of busloads of 
    school children who would come to Neverland Ranch. 
    So they put him in monkey school, they retrained 
    him, and they put him in these diapers. But one 
    day, some very important schoolchildren came to 
    Neverland - from Japan, I heard later - and they 
    brought the monkey out, because the kids wanted 
    to know where Bubbles was. So they bring the 
    monkey out, but he had managed to reach into 
    the diaper and had these two handfuls of monkey 
    shit, which he threw at the kids. And that 
    was the end of Bubbles. They sent him to like, 
    Monkey Ranch, or something" 
 
(FYI: Michael Jackson reportedly disciplined his 
chimp Bubbles by shaving his arse.) 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I would not be the artist, performer and 
philanthropist I am today without the influence 
of Michael." - Usher 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
From the archives: issue 85, 22/08/2001 
      
      >> "No Squeaks Motherf*cker!" << 
      Quincy Jones gets the best of out Jacko 
 
Lord Delawdy writes: 
   "A friend of mine was in Los Angeles 79 thru 87. 
   Michael Jackson had had a huge hit with Off The 
   Wall, and was recording the follow up. 
 
   "The sessions were arranged for a very late start, 
   and, after a night on the town, my mate popped 
   around to the studio to see the producer. 
 
   "He got into the control room to find that 
   everyone's attention was fixed on the glass 
   window. On the other side, Quincy Jones was kicking 
   a pile of rags on the floor while shouting 
   "Silent, you motherfucker! I said NO SQUEAKS!" 
 
   "It turned out the pile of rags was a gibbering 
   Michael Jackson. They were recording a new song 
   called Billie Jean, and Michael had decided 
   to fill every gap with his trademark whoops, 
   clicks and squeaks. Quincy, however, had decided 
   that the track would be a pared down. 
 
   "After several hours of trying to get the 
   singer to do what he wanted, and having consumed 
   large quantities of ragedust, Jones had finally 
   snapped and attacked the poor freak. Needless 
   to say, after the outburst, MJ sang the song 
   how he was told to, and the rest is history." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
02 Ticketholders will either get a refund or an 
ticket exchange... wonder the going rate for 
a Jackson is? (1 Jacko = 2 Backstreet Boys maybe?) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
From the archives, issue 85, 22/08/2001 
 
        >> In Bed with MJ << 
        Lonely pop star loves Disney 
 
Norwegian person writes: 
    "When Michael Jackson played in Oslo in 1993, he 
    had installed in his hotel suite a giant screen 
    and video projector. He then made the guy who 
    installed it lay in bed with him, watching 
    Disney cartoons for two hours. I know because 
    I know the installer." 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Michael Jackson's still a kid. I'm still a kid. 
We're both going to be about eight years old 
forever." - Macaulay Culkin, 2003 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
From the Archives: Issue 260: 
 
         >> Macaulay comes good! << 
         Was Jacko saved by Culkin sperm? 
 
     MacCaulay Culkin's testimony that Michael 
     Jackson had never fiddled with him went 
     a long way to persuading the jury that 
     Gavin Arvizo's story couldn't be trusted. 
     But we hear from a source in Santa Maria 
     that Macaulay didn't want to testify 
     until the judge ruled that he could not be 
     asked any questions about whether he was the 
     real sperm donor for Paris Jackson... 
     Michael's blonde, fair-skinned daughter. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Michael Jackson used to give alcohol to his young 
sleeping partners and tell them that getting drunk 
"was part of being a man". He called it Jesus Juice. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
From the Archives: Issue 259, 08/06/2005 
 
       >> Jacko: the End Game << 
       Next up - death by dehydration? 
 
   While the jury deliberates, dozens of Michael 
   Jackson fans are arriving at Neverland in 
   expectation of their idol meeting a sticky end. 
   Many are tying ribbons around tree trunks. 
 
   Within the Neverland gates, there are serious 
   concerns about the Gloved One's health. 
   Michael is eating very little and not drinking 
   enough fluids. When he visited the Santa Ynes 
   hospital last week, he needed to be given 
   double the normal amount of IV fluids. 
 
   However, everyone is going to assume that the 
   health stories are a desperate PR stunt, and will 
   continue to do so until the moment he dies. 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
      
 
        >> Things that make you go wah! << 
        How Michael Jackson touched us all   
 
    The scene at the Jackson house yesterday: 
http://tinyurl.com/lxmk7w 
 
    That Filipino jail doing Thriller: 
 
 
    Wedding Thriller: 
 
 
    Bollywood Thriller: 
 
 
    The Accrington Michael Jackson, pts 1 & 2: 
 
 
 
    MJ's genius performance of Billie Jean: 
 
 
    I'll Be There: 
 
 

Its back to normal bitching this week, no more MJ

***************************************************** 
"I Can't Believe It's Not Duck Butter", "No 
Squeaks, MF", "I Shaved Bubbles Arse" -  RIP 
Michael Jackson t shirt collection: 
http://www.teefly.com/index.cfm?curCat=31 
***************************************************** 
 
 
"Having seen how politicians live I really couldn't 
bear it. Their lives are so dreary"- Joanna Lumley 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  09.06.09 ISSUE 455 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Some Might Pay at the Bank of Oasis 
* Brian Jacks gives handy advice 
* Charts: Cascada are number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Wacko Races << 
        Dastardly publishing 
 
    The book publishing industry is desperate to 
    cash in on Michael Jackson's death and get 
    some books on the shelves before the 
    body's in the ground. We hear from one of 
    the bigger publishing houses that in 
    the industry they're referring to this 
    mad scramble as the Wacko Races. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
To buy every iphone application available this week 
would cost you $144,326.06. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Some Might Pay << 
        Noel cheques his big mouth 
      
    Oasis had such sound problems at their big 
    Heaton Park gig last month that Noel 
    Gallagher offered everyone there a refund. 
    The band and their promoters must soon have 
    regretted this three-million pound promise. 
    But the band have been true to their word - 
    albeit with the help of a trick Michael 
    Jackson perfected in the 90s. 
 
    Oasis have issued ticketholders with a special 
    collecter's item - a Bank of Oasis signed 
    cheque. Wonder how many Oasis fans will 
    bother to cash this? 
 
FYI: When Michael Jackson refunded ticket holders 
in the States for a concert he cancelled with 
a personally signed cheque, fewer than one in ten 
ever cashed the cheque. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The Jonas Brothers have been signing into hotels 
under the surname Cruz. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
  
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Which Manchester United star swapped eight tickets 
    to the Champions League final with someone in 
    return for 10 seats to see Michael Jackson at 02? 
 
    This American teen TV star's fall from grace 
    has been documented all over the celebrity 
    weeklies recently. But perhaps the saddest 
    thing behind-the-scenes is that the actress 
    doesn't think she has any real friends so 
    her entry into the London party scene was 
    to try to lose her loner's reputation - 
    instead she descended into a drug spiral. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Liam Gallagher was at Wechter Festival this weekend, 
wearing a zipped-up Parka, in 34 degrees heat, and 
some fluffy YSL leopard loafers. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> A sharpe exit  << 
        Novelty bet gets Rebekah in a froth 
 
    William Hill's Graham Sharpe has been the 
    doyen of bookmaking PRs for just about ever. 
    He had a close relationship with one 
    particular Sun journalist, and every time 
    someone at William Hill won a big prize, the 
    Sun would report it.  Everyone was happy. 
 
    A few days ago, Sharpe happily offered 
    odds to the Evening Standard on how long 
    News International boss Rebekah Wade's 
    marriage to Charlie Brooks would last. 
    Cue frantic calls from a Wade described 
    as "frothing" to The Sun about Sharpe. 
    This could be the end of a beautiful 
    PR-journalist friendship. 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Create an interactive map of your DNA that shows 
who you are, and why, for your chance to win over 
�1,000 of prizes! 
http://tinyurl.com/nrexyx 
***************************************************** 
 
        
        >> Say sorry to a star << 
        Rob Brydon gets a soaking 
 
TB writes: 
    "Rob Brydon presented our awful annual company 
    awards a couple of years ago. My department 
    always gets overlooked but we'd been led to 
    believe that, for once, we were in line for 
    a few gongs. 
 
    "Come the end of the night we�d been fobbed 
    off with just one poxy prize. So, in what 
    we thought was a rock star move, the entire 
    deptartment scooped all the booze off the 
    table and marched out ... only to be told 
    by security that we couldn�t leave the 
    swanky hotel with it. We stood by the exit, 
    drinking as much as we could down. It was 
    then that I saw Rob Brydon coming down the 
    corridor. For some reason, I assumed it was 
    his fault we�d been overlooked, so I shook 
    a bottle of champagne up, opened it and 
    gave him a bit of a formula one style dousing. 
    He looked mightily pissed off. I�m sorry Rob, 
    I still feel bad." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Vincent Price was offered $10,000 or a 10% profit 
share for voicing Thriller. He went for the cash. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
        >> Heston's holy water << 
        Moses declaims, "Thou shalt not stool"     
 
X writes: 
    "When I was younger, I worked on a CD-ROM 
    called Charlton Heston�s Voyage Through The 
    Bible. We had loads of press down to meet the man, 
    and despite my initial concerns, he was a 
    pleasant chap. During the day, I popped into the 
    toilet and noticed there was no toilet paper. A 
    few minutes later, Charlton asked me where the 
    restroom was. I pointed him in the right 
    direction, and watched him shuffle off. Then 
    the thought struck me: what if he needed 
    �a sit down�? 
 
    "I stopped him just as he reached the door. 
    �Hi, this is a bit awkward, but I just wanted 
    to mention that there�s no toilet paper 
    in that restroom. Hang on and I�ll pop back 
    and get some for you.� 
 
    "Seeming to grow in size and stature, he 
    paused, put his hand on my shoulder and 
    leaned towards me. The voice of God boomed 
    loudly: �Son, that won�t be necessary for 
    what I�m about to do.� 
      
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
RIP Robert McNamara. His middle name was Strange. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Goodies Baddies << 
        Ciara and crew put in place 
 
    At the recent 95.8 Capital FM Summertime Ball 
    at the Emirates Stadium R&B newcomer Ciara 
    was on the bill, but did little to endear her 
    to anyone working on it. Her entourage made 
    life rather difficult for backstage crew 
    thanks to countless demands. At one point 
    things proved so difficult one of the Capital 
    assistants burst into tears, and ran out of 
    their dressing room. The girl bumped 
    straight into Capital's CEO, Ashley Tabor, 
    who stopped and asked her what had happened. 
    Concerned to see his staff in tears, 
    Mr Tabor strolled down to Ciara's dressing 
    room for a little chat. Not a peep was 
    heard from the singer and entourage for 
    the rest of the day. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
This week's winner of the pot-kettle nasty celeb 
contest - Kelly Osbourne who said about Lady GaGa, 
"She's a butterface - she has everything but the 
face, she reminds me of Peaches Geldof." 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Life imitating art << 
        When Jacko was a friend of Dorothy 
 
    Michael Jackson played The Scarecrow in The Wiz, 
    the 1970s Motown musical film version of The 
    Wizard of Oz. In the story, Dorothy befriends 
    a scarecrow who wants to meet The Wiz to ask 
    for the one thing he feels he lacks - a brain. 
    It's ironic, then, that the one thing that 
    Jackson is not being buried with is his brain. 
    
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Wanna Be Startin' Something - the single version. At 
1m 46seconds a ghostly female voice can be heard 
singing "You're A Vegetable". It's really creepy. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Jacks off << 
        Shagging advice from a Superstar 
 
    Two Popbitch readers were on holiday in 
    Thailand and came across a middle-aged man 
    boozing in a bar. They got chatting and it 
    turned out that the man was judo and 
    Superstars legend Brian Jacks, who now 
    has a home in Thailand. 
 
    After a couple of beers Brian said to 
    them, "Hey have you two fellas shagged 
    a ladyboy yet?" The two blokes looked at 
    each other and shook their heads. 
 
    Brian replied. "Well you want to. It'll 
    be the best shag you've ever had." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Berlin Zoo has agreed to pay 430,000 euros to 
Neumuenster Zoo to keep Knut in the capital. 
Knut's Dad came from Neumeuster so they claimed him. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Sex toys, baby toys, Naked Terminator 
 
    Great summer reading - Jane Bussman's The 
    Worst Date Ever. Black-listed by Ashton 
    Kutcher, Jane goes to Africa to find 
    Ugandan Warlord Joseph Cony. Funny, 
    horrific and naughty things happen. 
    Including the Burgles of Mortal Dignity: 
http://tinyurl.com/mk6qrs 
 
    G Force plus guinea pigs = awesome. Hopefully. 
 
 
    We said last week Johnny Borrell had been brought 
    in to help Florence with her album -  that's not 
    quite the real story. Johnny wrote with Florence 
    before this album but nothing made it to record. 
 
    Sex Toy or Baby Toy? 
http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/quiz1/ 
    
    Michael Jackson record sales - Thriller's 109m 
    sales are actually approx 50m. We still can't 
    get near 750 million. More discussion here: 
http://tinyurl.com/ljfxuc 
 
    It's classy in New Zealand: 
http://tinyurl.com/kmm2uy 
 
    Naked Terminator arrested in casino: 
http://tinyurl.com/kph4n5 
 
    Wikipedia's featured story this morning: 
http://www.popbitch.com 
 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
CASCADA Evacuate The Dancefloor 
 
++ Top Ten 
CHIPMUNK Diamond Rings 
 
++ Top Twenty 
BLACK EYED PEAS I Gotta Feeling 
PITBULL I know You Want Me 
LADY GAGA Poker Face 
 
++ Top Forty 
VV BROWN Shark In The Water 
 
 
**************************************************** 
Thanks to: CL, SW, AM, LM, SP, FT, deep_stoat, J 
scottthemanc, DU, NS, mr_e_mann, onthehushhush, 
 
* Only one person got the competition right last 
week. Q: What superhero would Pharrell Williams 
like to be? A: One of the X-Men. 
 
* Going to see It Felt Like A Kiss in Manchester? 
Somewhere in the show there is a hidden reference 
to the Black Panthers in the place you least expect it. 
If you spot it, email hello@popbitch.com to win a 
special surprise gift from Mr Curtis. 
***************************************************** 
 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
Kid: Mum, Mum, why has Dad got his dick 
stuck in the biscuit tin? 
Mum: Don't worry, he's f**king crackers 
 
 
Still Bored: 
Skeeter, the narcoleptic puppy: 
 

HI SHAN GREAT STUFF, YOU GET THE RENTER SORTED YET ?
Lookslike we will be in for 40c in august so plenty of sun tan lotion eh..

This weeks issue hot of the press

"My dad only writes to me in text slang. It really 
annoys me. He does all these faces and stuff I've 
never seen before" - Peaches Geldof 
 
"Graham Coxon is following me on Twitter. That 
wouldn't happen in the real world" - Peaches Geldof 
---------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  16.06.09 ISSUE 457 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* When Lady GaGa met Lady BaBa 
* 90s Retrospective: Popbitch goes back in time 
* Charts: JLS are the new number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
    
        >>  GaGa v BaBa << 
        Lady G takes on Take That and loses 
 
    It was reported that the reason Lady GaGa cancelled 
    two Take That shows was due to illness. There 
    might have been a little more to it. Her crew 
    turned up with two lorries full of new lighting 
    equipment expecting to waltz in and set up a 
    whole new show. At Take That's carefully planned 
    stadium extravaganza. While GaGa obviously 
    cleverly controls everything she does, Gary 
    Barlow is known for his perfectionism when it 
    comes to The Thats shows. Lady Gaga v Lady BaBa? 
    There could only be one winner. Two shows were pulled 
    until the support act finally accepted reality, 
    and she recovered from her illness of course, 
    and then went on with the tour with reduced show. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Today is the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. 
Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was Moon. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    Photos of which current celeb-magazine 
    hate-figure are circulating showing her on 
    a night out, with the spunk of a reality show 
    contestant over her clothes? 
 
    Another sometime tabloid hate-figure 
    was seen at a Reverend & The Makers gig 
    openly taking lines of cocaine at the bar 
    with his friends. At least he wasn't 
    the one jacking-off on the star above. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
According to his God-daughter, Michael Jackson's 
favourite meal was fish and chips. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Celebrity chat-up lines << 
        Razorlight's loveable mop-top gets romantic 
 
    Johnny Borrell has a new trick in his ladies 
    man armoury. Take a girl up to Primrose Hill and 
    ask them to look down across London. Then he 
    whispers gently into their ear: 
 
    "Think how many people down there have 
    orgasmed to my music". 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Piers Morgan/Katie Price's hugely hyped interview got 
4.48m viewers. BBC's hugely un-hyped Casualty? 5.63m. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
**************************************************** 
Popbitch goes to the 90s! 10-week special series 
1990 1990 ** SPECIAL PULL-OUT SECTION ** 1990 1990 
 
 
        >> The 1990s << 
        A Popbitch retrospective 
 
    Over the next ten weeks or so, we're 
    going to be taking a look back over 
    the nineties. Why, you may ask, would we want 
    to look back on a decade which began 
    with New Kids On The Block's Hangin' 
    Tough at number one, and ended with 
    Westlife doing an Abba cover version? 
 
    Despite the charts being littered with 
    ten-a-penny boybands, TV tie-in novelty 
    records, Girl Power, a surprising amount of 
    cod reggae and some of the worst rapping 
    ever committed to cassette, there was still 
    a lot of fun to remember. It's just not 
    anything you'd ever want to admit to 
    having liked... 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Turned 18 in 1990: Geri ("The problem with women is that 
their genitals are on the inside");  Darren Anderton 
(huge cock), Eminem (sleeps with the light on), The 
Rock (moisturises his shaved body with Neutrogena). 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> "Touch me, I want to feel your burqua" << 
        Fundamentalist Islam (hearts) Samantha Fox 
 
    Given all that's been happening there 
    in recent weeks, it won't surprise you 
    to learn that, in Iran, decadent western 
    pop culture has been suppressed by 
    the Mullahs for decades. 
 
    Which makes it all the more surprising 
    that in 1990 a piece of graffiti began 
    appearing in Tehran cropping up on 
    walls and buildings all around the city, 
    one that always said exactly the same 
    thing: 
 
    "Sam Fox". 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
At high school together - Snoop Dogg and Cameron Diaz. 
Diaz was obsessed with Heart. Snoop has a lucky glass 
decorated with naked women with diamond vaginas. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Music to kill yourself to << 
        Lloyd-Webber infiltrates the charts 
 
    It's well known that Andrew Lloyd Webber 
    has masterminded some of the most 
    dreadful music ever created, but his legacy 
    is not just limited to musicals. In the 90s he 
    infiltrated the charts on a number of 
    occasions - albeit incognito. 
 
    His assault on the hit parade in 1990 was 
    Bombalurina's hit Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie 
    Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - a track which he 
    had a hand in producing. 
 
    If you can bear to relive it, it's here: 
 
 
FYI - Bombalurina is the name of one of the 
cats from Cats. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Goodfellas is released. In its 146 minute running 
time "fuck" is said 296 times - nearly twice every 
minute. About half of them are Joe Pesci's. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Peek-a-Boo << 
        Betty goes into hiding 
 
   Making the most of the girl dance-rap fad that 
   was doing the rounds at the time (see Neneh 
   Cherry, Salt N' Pepa, TLC) Betty Boo was 
   sitting pretty in the Top 10 in 1990 with Where 
   Are You Baby? and Doin' The Do. 
 
   It's easy to laugh now (actually, it was 
   fairly easy to laugh at her then), but Boo 
   actually has some rather weighty pop credentials 
   and is responsible for writing some big hits for 
   acts such as Girls Aloud, Dannii Minogue, Sophie 
   Ellis-Bextor and, erm, The Tweenies. 
 
   Her career defining moment though is writing 
   Hear'Say's Pure And Simple - one of the most 
   successful singles of this decade. 
 
 
FYI - she formed a band with Alex James called 
Wigwam. It was short lived. 
 
 
FYI 2: Betty Boo's grandmother used to have her milk 
delivered by Sean Connery. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Milk-rounds of the rich and famous: Liz Hurley's 
grandfather, Mr Tit, was milkman to the Palmer- 
Tompkinsons. Ozzy Osbourne's dad had his dairy 
delivered by Noddy Holder. Also milkies: 
Emma Bunton's dad and Sting's brother. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Holding Out For A Hero << 
        Islamic nutters (heart) Bonnie Tyler too 
 
    It's not just Sam Fox that religious 
    fundamentalists were into. 
 
BM writes: 
    "In 1990 I met some Mujahadeen Fighters in the 
    Northwest frontier of Pakistan. Their biggest 
    regret about the Jihad against the Russians was 
    that they couldn't listen to pop music any more. 
 
    "When I asked what kind of music they liked, 
    one told me, 'Bonnie Tyler'." 
 
 
--------------------------------------------------- 
Mujahadeen in Afghanistan were not allowed to take 
young boys with no facial hair onto the battlefield 
or into their private quarters. 
--------------------------------------------------- 
 
 
        >> Gruesome Twosome << 
        You tried so hard to forget 
 
    In 1990 Madonna was Vogueing left, right 
    and centre; Vanilla Ice was rocking the mic 
    like a vandal, and the pair of them were 
    sticking it to each other for months. 
 
    If you're struggling to imagine what 
    that must have been like, track down a copy 
    of Madonna's "Sex". Or, easier still, 
    click here: http://tinyurl.com/mljqmg 
 
    The good times start from page 51 
    where you can see Ice essentially trying 
    to finger her.  It only gets worse 
    from there... 
 
Cleanse your palate afterwards, watch Ice Ice Baby: 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
LeAnn Rimes made her breakthrough in 1990, 
aged 8, winning US TV talent show Star Search. 
Beating Christina Aguilera. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Wash 'n' Goo << 
        For silky, glossy hair that's full of life 
 
Missed_it_meg writes: 
    "In about 1990 my best mate was going 
    out with a girl who was Brigitte Nielsen's 
    house-sitter in London. While his GF was 
    out at the supermarket restocking the 
    booze they'd drunk, he cracked off into 
    her bottle of hair-conditioner." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Hits and Arse - The best and the worst music 1990: 
Including Turtle Power, Betty Boo and St Etienne: 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/1990/01/01/hits-and-arse-1990/ 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Switching Geres << 
        Richard lends a helping hand 
 
   Pretty Woman was taking the silver screen by storm 
   in the summer of 1990 and around this time Gere 
   was dating (and was soon to marry) Cindy Crawford 
   amid widespread speculation about his sexuality. 
 
   Gere's neighbour in Malibu was Michael Caine 
   and when the late Alan Coren bumped into 
   Caine at a party, the tale goes that he 
   couldn't resist asking. 
   "So, you must know the answer to the big 
    question, Michael. Is Richard Gere gay?" 
   "I don't know if he is actually gay," Caine 
   replied. "But he would probably help out 
   if they were short handed." 
 
 
* END OF 1990 SECTION * PREPARE TO RETURN TO PRESENT.. 
****************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Bank of Monty << 
        Cashing in one's reputation 
 
SR writes: 
    "The Bank of Oasis trick is nothing new. Monty, 
    better known as Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery, 
    1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein, who commanded 
    Allied forces at the Battle of El Alamein, also 
    used a similar ploy. He was a gambler at cards and 
    not a particularly good one. Whenever he lost he 
    would say to the man who beat him: "Will you 
    take a cheque?" Monty would then write the cheque 
    and on the back add something along the lines of: 
    "With best wishes to the better man! Your great 
    friend, Bernard Montgomery." The winner would be 
    so impressed that he would frame it, show his 
    friends ... and never cash it." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Best t-shirt seen at the 13th July O2 Jacko vigil? 
"I Hate Martin Bashir". 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Getting away with murder << 
        Arrest fails to dent teacher's popularity 
 
    On the ratemyteachers website, Mr Harvey from 
    All Saints, Mansfield, had enjoyed a top rated 
    5.0 from pupils at his school. After after 
    hitting one of his students on the head 
    with a heavy object, his score only went down 
    to 3.7. And by today, his reputation has 
    rallied, Harvey is back up to 4.6. Which means 
    even though he's up on an attempted murder 
    charge, Mr Harvey is significantly more 
    popular with his students than most of the 
    other teachers, average rating 3.6. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
The Mercury Music Prize shortlist is announced on 
Tuesday: insider favourites to win the actual prize 
are Lily Allen (backed down from 50-1 to 5-1) and 
Florence and the Machine (20-1 down to 4-1). 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Names of the child actors << 
        Upper middle-class child abuse 
 
    The young actor who plays Lord Voldemort's 
    younger incarnation in Harry Potter and the 
    Half-Blood Prince is... Hero Fiennes-Tiffin. 
    He has an even better named brother, Titan. 
    As in the Government's much-derided super-prisons. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Humans shed over 30 metres of eyelashes 
in their lifetime. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Sarah Palin, Guinea Pigs, Darth Chop 
 
   Bad Science - how The Telegraph wrote a shockingly 
   bad and wrong story on rape and then haven't 
   even bothered to correct it properly: 
http://tinyurl.com/n54g4l 
 
    It's not just us who finds it incredulous 
    that anyone thinks Michael Jackson sold 750 
    million albums. Turns out it was made up by 
    his publicist. The Wall St Journal have 
    been looking into it to and seem to agree 
    with our rough 200m estimate: 
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124760651612341407.html 
 
    Inside the mind of Sarah Palin: 
http://tinyurl.com/n3m4to 
 
    Jonas Ackerlund is back; next week we get to 
    see his video for Mika's new single We Are 
    Golden (warning: the song WILL lodge in your 
    brain whether you like it or not. Luckily 
    we love it). But for now enjoy his brilliant 
    extended video for Paparazzi: 
 
 
    An interesting look at Afghanistan: 
http://tinyurl.com/lbjf4b 
 
    Buy your Big Chill tickets here now! 
    Next week - PB at BC info. Come join us: 
http://tinyurl.com/mofyby 
 
    Guinea Pigs eating watermelon: 
http://tinyurl.com/mu7muq 
 
    Darth Chop: 
http://tinyurl.com/njqnsq 
 
    Butter or duck butter? 
http://tinyurl.com/nu936a 
 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
JLS - Beat Again 
 
++ Top Ten 
PITBULL I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) 
 
++ Top Twenty 
CHICANE - Poppiholla 
3Oh!3 - Don't Trust Me 
 
++ Top Forty 
MELANIE FIONA Give It To Me Right 
 
**************************************************** 
Thanks to: CL, SW, AM, LM, SP, deep_stoat, 
C, pauline, JB, RS 
 
* Do you do PR for London hotel/hotels? 
If so, email hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Black Panther comp result -  next week! 
 
* Win tickets to Standon Calling, boutique 
festival in Herts on 31 July - 2 Aug. Answer this 
question to hello@popbitch.com - Who is the odd 
one out? Britney Spears, Ryan Gosling, Justin 
Timberlake or Jessica Simpson. 
***************************************************** 
 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "Mummy, 
mummy! Why am I called Leaf?" His Mother replies: 
"Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head". 
 
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying 
"Mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?" 
Mother replies: "Because when you were a baby, 
a petal fell on your head". 
 
The next day, their little brother limps up, saying: 
"sgfkljds  mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*. 
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge". 
 
 
Still Bored: 
Malcolm Mclaren has a show at Edinburgh Festival., 
"I have been called many things: a charlatan, a con 
man, or (most flatteringly), the culprit responsible 
for turning British popular culture into nothing more 
than a cheap marketing gimmick. This is my chance to 
prove that so many of these accusations are true."  
Tickets: http:///www.pleasance.co.uk 

Im still here, celebrating a 14th birthday, Ipod touch and limewire. We'll soon be in sunnier climes.............Albox/Indalo land

 
"It�s hard to believe that 15 years have passed 
since Backstreet Boys redefined the modern musical 
landscape" - Backstreet Boys website 
-------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  13.08.09 ISSUE 461 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Prince Philip and the secret horse-free room 
* 90s Retrospective: Popbitch goes back in time 
* Charts: Calvin Harris v Black Eyed Peas for top slot 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Who's the daddy? << 
        Newspaper hunt has mixed results 
 
    Mark Lester is all over the news as the self- 
    proclaimed father of Michael Jackson's 
    daughter. Yet the story nearly didn't 
    make it out there. Lester was one of the 
    first of Jacko's confidantes to talk to the 
    press after the star's death. He did a five- 
    figure deal with Sunday Mirror and Mail on 
    Sunday but was still so in awe of his famous 
    meal-ticket, sorry friend, that he didn't 
    come up with anything interesting. Neither 
    newspaper was keen to do any kind of follow- 
    up. The News of The World, however, decided 
    to try and have a go at breaking through 
    Lester's reserve and got the baby-daddy scoop. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
If Friendly Fires had a cat they would call it Dennis. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Santicold << 
        Pop stars: doncha just love 'em? 
       
    Santigold has had just brief and minor 
    success so far but this hasn't stopped a 
    Mariah-Carey style self-importance from 
    developing. She turned up at a European 
    festival to find she was due on stage at 
    midnight. Something of a hissy fit followed 
    as she assured the festival organisers that 
    she couldn't play after midnight. She was 
    under doctor's orders to protect her voice 
    by never singing at this time of night. 
    After much to-ing and fro-ing, her wish was 
    accommodated and she was moved to a slightly 
    earlier slot. However she was late arriving 
    so finally took the stage at... midnight. 
    Her voice seemed to hold out, thankfully. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Heidi Range spotted in a west London restaurant, 
ordering the Greek Salad, "but with no tomatoes". 
Plate of feta it is then, the waiter explained. 
(FYI: What about the cucumber? And olives?) 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Cure << 
        What happened in the countryside 
 
    Overheard at the Big Chill by someone close to 
    a famous musician "I've met Robert Smith (of 
    The Cure)  twice.  He always smelt of play-doh." 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Keri Hilson's favourite shape of pasta is 
fettucine. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        What people are asking this week 
 
    A Premiership footballer took which ex- 
    Big Brother contestant to the toilets 
    of the Hammersmith Apollo at a gig where, 
    he told friends afterwards, he did her 
    up the arse? 
 
    
------------------------------------------------------ 
Most chilling Price/Andre rumour circulating this 
week -  their Christmas reunion single has already 
been recorded on Atlantic. Please, God - no!. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
**************************************************** 
Popbitch goes to the 90s! 10-week special series 
1994 1994 ** SPECIAL PULL-OUT SECTION ** 1994 1994 
 
 
        >> Blood Is All Around << 
        Marti doesn�t feel the love 
 
    It�s only a small consolation for the 15 weeks 
    of misery that Wet Wet Wet put us through 
    in 1994 but you�ll be glad to know that it haunts 
    Marti Pellow just as much as it haunts the rest 
    of us. 
 
hypnogimp writes: 
    �During a rehersal of the Witches of Eastwick, 
    Marti Pellow walked on stage and smashed 
    his head on a misplaced metal strut. Cue much  
    blood and the poor chap being rather dazed, 
    and surrounded by concerned cast members 
    and techies. 
 
    �He said he couldn�t feel his forehead and failed 
    to see the funny side of a techie asking �Can you 
    feel it in your fingers? What about your toes?�� 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Tory MP Stephen Milligan is found hanged, wearing 
stockings and suspenders, with a fatally unbitten 
satsuma segment in his mouth. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Whig Out << 
        Will the real Sannie Carlseen please stand up 
 
    The second biggest hit of the year was Whigfield�s 
    �Saturday Night�. 
 
    A couple of years ago our website was buzzing 
    with the news from a contributor who had hired a 
    prostitute on a stag do who gave him �a fantastic 
    blowjob�. He recognised her as Whigfield. 
 
    Could it really have been her? Our exhaustive 
    investigation uncovered the following evidence: 
 
     * When she was promoting Saturday Night, one 
    teen mag had asked �What�s your favourite way 
    to relax?� Whigfield replied, �I like to fuck�.  
 
     * Her management company is called �Cock In 
    Ear� 
 
     * At a PA in Munich she was interviewed on stage 
    by local radio where the following exchange took 
    place. Interviewer: �So what do you look for 
    in a man?� Whigfield: �A big cock.� 
 
    All encouraging evidence. Except then we found out 
    Whigfield was living in Barcelona and successfully 
    singing Saturday Night all around Europe still. 
 
    So maybe not. 
 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
An anagram of �The Danish singer Whigfield (Sannie 
Charlotte Carlson)� is �Farcial, talentless, shining 
one hit wonder. I�d shag her.� 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> East who? << 
        Brian and the boys get rhumbled 
 
    A music journalist recalls interviewing 
    East 17 in Glasgow at the height of 
    their fame. 
 
    "After 15 minutes of monosyllabic 
    grunts I gave up and took them outside the 
    TV station for a photo with a bunch of 
    screaming teenage fans. E17 started doing 
    their daft trademark pointing and gurning. 
    Desperate for something to write, I asked 
    the crowd: 'Are you big fans of East 17'?" 
 
    "The reply: 'Who? We're here for PJ 
    and Duncan.'" 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
When East 17 signed to Telstar an ebullient Brian 
made his planned celebrations clear to everyone: 
"I wanna go  and fuck someone's mother now." 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Hamster power << 
        Shampoo know how to get a-head 
 
    The band for whom the phrase �big in Japan�  could 
    well have been invented, Shampoo gave us our first 
    taste of Girl Power in 1994. 
 
    A visitor to Shampoo's Shepherd's Bush house recalls 
    a drinking game they would play involving their pet 
    hamster. They would place their hamster on the head 
    of everyone in the room, in turn, until it shat. 
    The recipient would then have to down vodka. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
In August 1994, the Catholic church decreed that 
you couldn't be a priest if you were an alcoholic or 
had celiac disease (allergic to wheat). 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Lulu and the Landrover << 
        Beware celebrities bearing gifts 
 
    Lulu is one of those lucky celebrities who 
    get lots of free stuff because advertisers 
    think the endorsement is good for the 
    company. She once found herself being 
    given a �65,000 Landrover. When Lulu 
    picked it up her from the dealer she gave 
    him a signed photograph of the two of 
    them taken together in front of the car. 
 
    A week later the dealer got an invoice for 
    �150 for the photograph. 
 
FYI: Lulu's diet secret - warm skimmed milk. 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Hits and Arse: The best and the worst of 1994, inc Aswad 
- Shine, Sin With Sebastian - Shut Up (And Sleep With Me) 
Scatman John - Scatman, Reel 2 Real - I Like To Move It 
Shampoo - Trouble Chaka Demus and Pliers - Murder She Wrote 
http://www.popbitch.com/home/1994/01/01/hits-and-arse-1994/ 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> A Class Act << 
        Too crude for school 
 
    One woman horror show Jodie Marsh has 
    had her career mapped out from the start. 
 
    She turned 16 in 1994. Shortly after this she 
    was expelled for selling naked photos of 
    herself to the sixth form boys. 
 
    Her 12 year old brother took the photos. 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"I was top of the class in everything and actually 
was very well brought up" - Jodie Marsh 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
* END OF 1994 SECTION * PREPARE TO RETURN TO PRESENT.. 
****************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Say Sorry to a star << 
        Maureen from Driving School is startled 
 
on HM secret service writes: 
    "I really need to say sorry for a moment of 
    madness i had some years ago, me and a few 
    friends were driving down the M5 to go to 
    Newquay in Cornwall. It was a boiling hot 
    day when we got stuck in a traffic jam that 
    lasted five hours on the Avon Bridge. We had 
    been there for about an hour and a half when 
    I looked over and spotted the international 
    entertainer Maureen, from that Driving School 
    show, sitting in the back of a car with all 
    the windown down. I couldnt contain my 
    excitement and shouted out at the top of 
    my voice "MAUREEN YOU GUMMY TWAT". Her driver 
    quickly put up all the windows of their car. 
    An hour later my friend said that it looked 
    like she was about to pass out. We laughed at 
    the time but after many restless nights sleep 
    I must ask for forgivness - sorry Maureen". 
 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Naked Jungle - the show that gave Keith Chegwin's cock 
nationwide exposure, is back, with new host Freddy 
"Rod, Jane & Freddy" Marks, who is himself a nudist. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
   
        >> Say thank you to a star << 
        It doesn't go a bit Pete Tong 
 
JP writes: 
    "Earlier this summer while running along the 
    river in Barnes legendary DJ Pete Tong cycled 
    towards me on the tow path.  Although he was 
    cycling quite fast he stopped to let me by.  
    I was too out of breath to thank him, but Pete, 
    if you are reading this, thank you for giving 
    way as the rules of the tow path require... 
    as not that many people do." 
 
Has a celebrity ever done anything nice for you? 
Now is your chance to say "thanks", email 
hello@popbitch.com 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Popbitch's favourite airline customer service manager: 
Olga Flyagina, of Virgin Atlantic. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Flying the flag   << 
        What's been happening from LAX to London 
 
    We're starting to get worried that X Factor is 
    taking advantage of Tranny Minogue. The lovely 
    Dannii was seen flying back from LA in Virgin 
    Premium Economy, amongst all the plebs. 
 
    Helena Bonham Carter was, as befits a star, 
    firmly ensconsed in Upper Class. Our spy 
    at the Upper Class bar says: "I was too entertained 
    by her pogo stick shoes to register the full 
    details of her ensemble, but she was definitely 
    dressed for comfort rather than chic. My eyes 
    kept swivelling from head to her feet and not 
    really noticing what she had on in between. 
    Her hair was in semi-dreads twined up with 
    baby-pink ribbons. 
 
    "Helena was travelling with a posse of at least 
    10 people who took up much of Premium Economy. 
    She visited occasionally from Upper - but never 
    at the times when her kids were screeching their 
    heads off, which was A Lot Of The Time: 
 
    See Helena's travelling shoes:  
http://tinyurl.com/nxervu 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
An anagram of Bianca Gascoigne is Gains Cocaine Bag. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
        >> Things that make you go hmm << 
        Penguins, Gary Glitter, Orangutan 
 
    Remember Karl Matthews, the man who loves reggae 
    and Eastenders? He's sounding as good as ever: 
 
 
    Someone's roots reggae collection 
http://rootsfromyard.blogspot.com/ 
 
    Popbitch's favourite thin layer chromatography 
    experts: 
http://analtech.com/ 
 
    Author Paul Myers takes a trip around Cuba 
    with Gary Glitter and Betty Boo in 1994. 
    Download the book for free here: 
http://www.whatididonmyholidays.net/ 
 
    This week's addictive game: 
http://jayisgames.com/games/lock-n-roll/ 
 
    Penguin loving: 
http://tinyurl.com/oxxkvz 
 
    Sean Paul has uploaded a free mix album of 
    his tracks: 
http://tinyurl.com/ltsjry 
 
    Orangutan pees in his own mouth: 
 
 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
BLACK EYED PEAS I Gotta Feeling 
CALVIN HARRIS Ready For The Weekend 
 
++ Top Ten 
PETER ANDRE Behind Closed Doors 
BLOC PARTY One More Chance 
 
++ Top Twenty 
JEREMIH Birthday Sex 
 
 
***************************************************** 
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, NF, hypnogimp, HL, AT, 
flobbit, richjohnston, deep_stoat, AC, J, V, 
jacques_as_in_hattie 
 
To subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
***************************************************** 
 
 
Old Jokes Home: 
Q: Did you hear about the apple crumble trial? 
A: They all ended up in custardy. 
 
Still Bored: 
Ronnie Biggs' son Michael was a teen pop star in 
Brazil in 1980s. Balao Magico (Magic Balloon) sold 
13m albums in the 80s: 
 

From this weeks edition: the Bernie Winters bit is funny

 
***************************************************** 
Strictly Come Dancing. Get behind Chris Hollins. 
The public love him, the odds are long. X Factor: 
Stacey is the industry insider's long-shot. There's 
not many girls left in it, so not much competition 
for a certain section of phone voters... 
Get on it with Betfair, they have a free 25 bet: 
http://bit.ly/YuEES 
***************************************************** 
 
 
"It's important for your watch to be stylish 
and reflect your personality because you really 
don't need one any more as everyone has 
cell phones" - Cindy Crawford 
----------------------------------------------------- 
POPBITCH           _     _ _ 
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ 
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ 
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | 
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| 
|_|         |_|  05.11.09 ISSUE 472 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe 
go to http://www.popbitch.com 
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com 
 
* Saying sorry to Patrick Swayze 
* Trinny and Susannah not Club class 
* Charts: JLS are the new number one 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Graceless << 
        Karen would have had more class 
 
    Flame-haired actress Debra Messing, aka Grace- 
    out-of-Will-and-Grace, made a film recently 
    but didn't exactly make many new friends. 
 
    Film extras and crew were told that they 
    weren't allowed to wear any kind of perfume. 
    As Ms Messing "didn't want to smell 
    anyone else". 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Jim Corr prefers never to go anywhere without his 
"special shoes", which make him taller. The 9/11 
conspiracy theorist is also convinced, whenever he's 
out in his helicopter, that he's being followed by 
unspecified "ships". He might be right... 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> What not to do << 
        TV stars not keen on BA Club class 
 
    Trinny and Susannah have been in Cape Town, as 
    guests of honour at an exhibition. They flew 
    back to London on Sunday with BA. Susannah 
    (dressed in leopardskin) happily whiled away 
    time in the BA lounge eating and drinking. 
    Trinny, on the other hand, spent her time 
    trying to get an upgrade from Clubworld to 
    First. Alas it wasn't successful. The lounge 
    receptionist pointed out, "We only provide   
    upgrades for VIPs". 
 
    According to the charming BA staff at the gate, 
    they asked for an upgrade again before boarding, 
    but were politely refused, and had to settle 
    for seats 17 A and B in Club World (just inches 
    from First), where they read the Telegraph 
    and asked for extra blankets. 
 
FYI: More cabin crew news: we're told that, after 
rifling through his possessions on a recent 
transatlantic flight, David Beckham has a 
26 inch waist. Surely not... 
 
     
------------------------------------------------------ 
Music industry ploy 101: take one boyband, (JLS), put 
out five collectible album covers (each member plus 
band). We're told it dates back to Generation X. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Big Questions << 
        Who is asking what this week 
 
    Which huge pop star is the subject of a 
    ridiculous whispering campaign claiming 
    he's the subject of an underage sex police 
    investigation? 
 
 
****************************************************** 
Multitaskers do it with both hands. Can you? 
Have a go at http://bit.ly/3GXypo? 
****************************************************** 
 
 
        >> Say sorry to a star << 
        But slightly tricky when they're dead... 
 
Ms Sorry writes:        
     "I have a Patrick Swayze story, and I would 
     like to say sorry to him, which will be slightly 
     tricky now. A few years back I went to the Ivy 
     with some rather loud gay friends. Halfway 
     through dinner, and after a fair few glasses 
     of wine, one of the chaps was telling us a story 
     involving him shoving a dildo so far up his 
     arse he had to sniff poppers to relax enough 
     to get it out again. After guffawing rather 
     loudly we noticed Patrick Swayze on the table 
     next to us. He was in London for Guys and 
     Dolls, and glaring at us in a very 
     disapproving way. He called over the Maitre d' 
     to complain about our vulgarity, who did 
     offer to move him to another table. 
     Sorry Patrick!" 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Nice to see in the Middle East's issue of Hello, Jim 
and Michelle Davidson celebrating their marriage vows 
in Dubai. Michelle is pictured with a Hussein 
Bin Laden. Perfect. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Bernie Winters - gossip legend << 
        Not just knee-jizz, there's golf too 
 
thebestnameshavegone writes: 
    "Bernie Winters used to live in a massive house 
    backing on to Gerrards Cross golf course in 
    Buckinghamshire. Back in the day, he really 
    wanted to join it, but the committee kept 
    finding reasons to knock him back. When he 
    finally got the hint that big, fat Jews weren't 
    welcome at the club, he got his own back by 
    building a 12ft statue of a rabbi facing the 
    course in his back garden. The rabbi was 
    giving the finger with both hands. The club 
    spent years trying to grow trees to cover it up 
    - but as they grew, he raised the statue each year." 
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
According to Wired magazine, 0.27% of the Iranian 
population is on Twitter. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Stalin revisited << 
        Wanted: PR firm who will do anything 
 
    If Max Clifford ever gets bored with his job 
    hiding any skeletons Simon Cowell might have, 
    here's a new one for him - and possibly an 
    easier one  - rescuing Stalin's reputation. 
     
    Russia is looking for a Brussels-based PR 
    company for a new campaign, which will include 
    casting "a positive light on the actions of 
    the Soviet Union before and after World War 
    II in order to justify the idea 
    that modern Russia should also impose its 
    influence on neighbouring countries for the 
    good of the world". 
 
    A senior executive at one PR firm who was 
    pitched the business says that he asked, 
    "Do you want us to say that Stalin was not 
    such a bad guy?' The answer was, "Well, I know 
    it will be difficult". The PR guy then asked, 
    "So, you want history to be rewritten?" 
    And he said 'Yes, in a way". Well, an industry 
    that's managed to get across the message that 
    the Cheryl Cole album is good should be up 
    for anything. 
 
More: 
http://euobserver.com/9/28883 
   
(FYI: If anyone hears which PR company takes this 
job, email hello@popbitch.com)    
 
 
------------------------------------------------------ 
Carol Decker (from T'Pau) told the world, on Twitter, 
this morning that she had just had a colonic 
irrigation It cost her �65. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
 
        >> Love Hurts << 
        What we are listening to this week 
 
    Our newest pop crush? Hurts. They have a stern, 
    almost teutonic, arthouse look, but it's mixed 
    with pure Pet Shop Boys/Associates/Yazoo 
    pop. With a bit of Donnie Darko thrown in. 
 
    Hurts are Adam and Theo from Manchester. They met 
    outside a nighclub while people they were with 
    were involved in a punch up. Adam's grandad was 
    a wartime entertainer who played banjo for 
    the Queen. And the extra reason we know we're 
    going to like them? They insisted on a clause 
    in their record label contract that they could 
    go to Eurovision Song Contest 2010. 
 
    First track, Wonderful Life. It's not a Black 
    cover. Listen to the Arthur Baker remix here: 
http://bit.ly/3jd6uE 
 
More: 
http://www.myspace.com/ithurts 
 
        
------------------------------------------------------ 
Gruesome golf twosome: Sky Sports' Di Stewart 
and tour player Nick Dougherty. They have played 
several holes, we are told. Fnar. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 
  
        >> Things that make you go hmmm << 
        Puppies, otters, sharks and fisting 
 
    From hard house to hard hat - Danny Rampling is 
    now a property developer/designer! We all thought 
    he was a club promoter/DJ but according to his 
    biography here he was a "youth cult visionary". 
http://www.phoenixtrinity.co.uk/the-team/ 
 
    Rude and hilarious Christmas cards! We have a great 
    selection of cards and gifts that you certainly 
    won�t find in Clintons. Pop on over and have a laugh: 
http://www.deanmorriscards.co.uk 
 
    F**k Yeah! 
    Puppies 
http://bit.ly/1d67Qv 
    Sharks 
http://bit.ly/1qwkju 
    Otters 
http://bit.ly/2Rpz2I 
 
    The official Christian line on fisting, 
    anal sex and pubic shaving: 
http://bit.ly/3bSD1y 
 
    Chuck your chemical nasties on the bonfire 
    tonight and stock up on some organic skin 
    care from Pai. Spend �20: receive a FREE 
    Lip Balm OR Spend �30 for a FREE Eye Cream: 
http://www.paiskincare.com 
 
    Ewoks: drunk and fighting on live TV (2mins in) 
http://bit.ly/4lH8nJ 
 
    Swine flu kills a ferret 
http://bit.ly/4o5rdq 
 
    How to open a bottle of wine without 
    a corkscrew: 
http://bit.ly/47l2nB 
 
 
 
      >> UK Top 40 << 
      We predict this week's new entries/high climbers 
 
++ Number One 
JLS Everybody In Love 
 
++ Top Ten 
CHASE & STATUS End Credits 
 
++ Top Twenty 
SNOW PATROL Just Say Yes 
 
++ Top Forty 
BON JOVI When We Were Beautiful 
LAURA WHITE You Should Have Known 
CHRIS BROWN Crawl 
KESHA Tik Tok